Psychologists claim that the desire to curse in bed or to hear obscene terms is completely normal.
Of course, some people like it, while others do not. But the question is what to do if you want "dirty" words during sex, but your partner does not.
Strangely enough, this conversation isn't really about BDSM — in vanilla couples, some people also very much enjoy obscenities during sex.
But before we talk about the problem in more detail, I want to emphasize that the most important principles here are: Voluntariness and Reasonableness.
Why is this necessary?
It is a kind of role-playing game, a release, an opportunity to allow oneself what one usually does not permit in everyday life. Often, those who never use curses in everyday speech are quite inventive in their use of it in bed.
Why do obscene words excite?
Because people are generally interested in the forbidden fruit. In this situation, statistics from the internet show (which, of course, cannot be entirely reliable, but is still better than nothing) that people who constantly curse do not perceive obscene language in bed as something exciting.
Moreover, using such words often helps to relax and unwind. A certain "allowing oneself everything".
Both desire and discomfort
There are situations where one partner wants to use/hear such words, while the other feels embarrassed/irritated.
If the issue is embarrassment, shame — then the main thing here is to convince your partner that this is normal. The easiest way to do this is through role-playing — it's one thing to call your close and beloved person an obscenity, and another if the character deserves it. Usually, just a few sessions of play can help the embarrassment fade, replaced by pleasure.
If the issue is irritation, denial, rejection — it's necessary to figure out where these feelings come from. Most often, it's echoes of strict upbringing, which, however, are usually quickly eradicated in such contexts, or a disguised shame, the inability to admit that such things might be enjoyable.
Everything is treated the same way — play, convince, provide well-written stories with similar scenes.
Of course, it's possible that your partner simply does not like it, does not find it exciting, etc. by itself — and there's nothing to be done about it, except to make some compromises and hope that in the future they will get into it.
Humiliation or not
I remind you — if you like something, it does not humiliate you in any way, no matter what those around you may think.
Only the person themselves can humiliate them. No matter what happens, only you can deprive yourself of self-respect.
It's always very amusing to watch the outrage of narrow-minded people on forums, who loudly and elegantly condemn everyone who dares to think differently and allow themselves more.
Yes, for modest and shy people, who cannot even bring themselves to call their submissive "bitch," information that there is nothing wrong with this is very useful.
But more often it is the other way around: some "beginner dominants" behave like the worst examples of porn movie heroes, filmed in a style of "we heard that BDSM is about humiliation." Therefore, it's easy to receive a message from such a "dominant," starting with the words: "Hello, whore! Will you be my object?". I entertain the thought that there are people who would enjoy such address, I don't know how they came to such a life, but I'll try to keep my distance from them to avoid getting dirty.
However, for some, it will be news that insulting a person outside of a themed session is nonsensical, and if your physical capabilities or spatial distance do not allow you to immediately give the rude person a slap in the face, then simply stop communicating with them right there.
There is a persisting misconception that a dominant should act in life as if everyone around them is a slave. And who curses all the other dominants is the main dominant. And they are not really dominants; otherwise, would they tolerate such behavior? Prison, gangster logic. Unfortunately, it is quite strong in our country. It is clear that one can just wipe one's feet on submissives in such cases.
Nevertheless, the truth is (perhaps I will have to write a detailed article on this topic) that the submissive chooses the dominant, the dominant can only show their interest in the submissive (I would call this "themed courtship"). If the themed courtship consists in showing "how I can humiliate" — this is simply not about BDSM at all.
Next, some info from psychology.
Coprophilia (from Greek copros – feces, phemi – to speak) is a type of sexual deviation characterized by sexual arousal from the pronunciation of indecent, dirty, vulgar, and abusive words with sexual connotations in the presence of the opposite sex with the aim of causing them embarrassment, confusion, and shame. Coprophilia is closely related to scatology — sexual arousal from curses during a telephone conversation with strangers (one of the types of exhibitionism).
Sexologists note a greater arousal from coprophilia in women, especially just before orgasm.
Men typically take an active role in coprophilia.
Through curse-laden remarks, coprophiles overcome their insecurities, and they are excited by the women's response (shame, embarrassment), which is typical for them when interacting with strong, willful, cynical men. In addition, the change of their usual, modest role, which they often occupy in everyday life, contributes to the excitement of men.
Completely hopeless coprophiles can deliver their brutal, filthy monologues absolutely indiscriminately – to the whole crowd. Coprophilia is an obsessive psycho-sexual disorder and sexual perversion and, in a certain sense, is "contagious": having once heard similar lewd remarks from another person, coprophiles felt their shame and all the dominating power of the speaker, which they immediately wished to apply to themselves.
Respect yourself and respect others.
