Once, sitting in the kitchen at a friend's house, I casually mentioned the unusually long silence on, as they say, the personal front. I parted ways with my last suitor on good terms (note to the hostess: loving his music and loving him are different stories), there were no prospects, sleeping with strangers was not entirely comfortable for me, and my libido was howling and demanding freedom.
My friend smiled at me sweetly — we had flirted before, but not seriously — and suggested we meet during the week at some cozy café to discuss options.
I don’t like to flirt, so let’s lay all the cards on the table. We slept together. Nothing happened in terms of friendship.
In English, there are many phrases and epithets to denote sexual relationships of various kinds. Hook up, one night stand, friends with benefits. It will be about FsB — friend with benefits.
Why this is needed
I have already described my reason, and generally, it is the primary one. Different people have different needs. Some are ready to go for a long time without sex while waiting for love (or marriage). Some are not. For the latter, FsB can become a long-awaited relief if approached correctly.
Your FsB is, first and foremost, your friend, not a random acquaintance in a bar. You know this person well, trust them, and you enjoy their company. Perhaps you have already discussed your sexual preferences or fantasies. Perhaps you discovered points of contact.
It is easier to say to such a person: “Sorry, I don’t really like that, let’s try it this way instead.” Because they, unlike a stranger from the bar, are likely to care about your pleasure.
And without the hormonal roulette of falling in love, where you try your best to please your partner and “not mess up,” it is easier to be yourself. To relax. Isn't this the key to good sex?
Whom to choose?
This, of course, is a key question. Meet the ideal candidate.
| Where to look | Why this is important |
| Has been your friend long enough for you to value this friendship | If you don’t care how it all ends, it is no longer “friend with benefits,” but something else |
| Attracts you on a purely physiological level | Fits in every other way but is not to your taste? You might jump out of bed right in the process, and the poor soul will take it personally |
| Not a hypocrite or a puritan | The opposite can be especially unpleasant for girls when, rather comfortably leaning back on the pillow, your friend contemptuously says: “And you, it turns out, are quite the slut” |
| Knows how to keep secrets | Let personal remain personal |
| Isn’t looking for love / family / children, at least not with you | A slippery moment (we often do not know ourselves what we want and with whom). If unsure, discuss. If still unsure, move on |
| Is not jealous | The whole point of such a scheme is to avoid issues associated with romantic love. Do you want your friend to keep asking where you are and with whom? |
| Is not against it | No comments |
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Remove any line — the risk will spike, and even a complete configuration (even if it has a hundred items) won’t ensure success without your thoughtful approach.
The main secret: apply this checklist to yourself. Do you meet all the points? Do you really want this? And only then look towards friends.
With another good friend, I managed to fulfill some fantasies that I didn’t want to try with permanent partners at that time. I knew he wouldn’t judge or laugh. The embarrassment faded within the first five minutes, it was very comfortable and fun, and even after all these years, I am grateful for that experience. I began to understand my body and my boundaries better.
But this was only possible for one reason: we approached the question consciously. Discussed all the details. I knew exactly what I wanted to get from this. And so did he.
Recipes for disaster
1) Married friends or those in monogamous relationships
In short: do not. Even setting aside the moral side of the issue, if your friend has an unsuspecting partner, it can lead to a lot of unpleasantness. The minimum — the loss of a friend. The maximum — a brawl or something worse.
2) Hidden motives
Sleeping with a friend hoping they will fall in love with you is no better than the previous idea. First of all, they probably won’t fall in love. Secondly, even if they do fall in love, there’s a chance you won’t like it (reminds me of the joke that advises not to confuse tourism with immigration).
3) Out of despair
If you haven’t had sex for so long that your self-esteem has started to drop (or it was low from the beginning), don’t leap at friends in an attempt to rehabilitate it. First, it is disrespectful. Secondly, it means you are entering a new and quite delicate phase of the relationship based on erroneous assumptions. For you, the pleasure of sex is not the goal, but just a means. And it should be the other way around.
4) Risk factor
If you or your future partner has tendencies that conflict with the idea of FsB (you cannot sleep with a person without falling in love or, conversely, without losing all interest in them; the partner is jealous, even if they try not to be), hit the brakes. Many good relationships have ended with the phrase: “This time it will be different.” It won’t be, don’t hope.
5) Medical history
Unfortunately, trust is not a panacea. Get tested for all relevant diseases. It is terribly unsexy, but a mistake here can be very costly. Think “the morning after” will be awkward? Imagine how awkward it will be for you a week later with an unpronounceable diagnosis.
With the first friend, we hardly communicate now. He is happily married. With the second, we recently went for a barbecue. We have a great, purely friendly relationship, and it seems we've managed to navigate all the pitfalls without loss. It’s difficult, but quite possible. If you’re ready — go for it.
