After all, sometimes it happens like this. A guy and a girl live together, everything is good. They kiss over breakfast and watch "The Big Bang Theory" together. But there is one thing that annoys her. Let's say, he doesn't close the toothpaste tube. She closed it once, twice, three times, fifty-six times. And then a dialogue like this comes out:
— Honey, shall we go to the cinema? I'd like to see "Guardians of the Galaxy".
— YOU NEVER CONSIDER MY OPINION!
To avoid being bombarded with rotten eggs engraved with "sexism" on the shell, I will clarify that the reverse picture, where the guy explodes out of nowhere, is also not uncommon. And, of course, the cinema has nothing to do with it.
It's just that one person thought that the other would get the hint. We often expect this, especially from long-term partners.
We know each other so well.
She finishes my sentences.
He understands me without words.
Maybe it is like that sometimes. But not around the clock, not 365 days a year. Not when he is preparing for an important conference all week, and she is preparing for an interview for her dream job. Not when there is hustle, everyday worries, and a million other thoughts clouding the brain's "operational memory". Sometimes it's better just to say. Especially when it comes to sex.
Don't be shy about the words
Let's agree: a penis is a penis, a clitoris is a clitoris, an anus is an anus, and a vagina is a vagina. Your tongue won't fall off, and your partner's ears won't wilt from you saying this out loud. These are body parts, like a knee or an ear. There is nothing fundamentally shameful or sinful about them.
Of course, these words don't have to be used all the time. It's like in everyday communication: at the beginning of a conversation, the main character is called by name ("Veniamin did something weird yesterday"), and then other epithets are used ("he turned around," "the boy didn't even suspect," etc.) Here too — we designate the subject of the conversation ("lick my clitoris"), and then it gets easier.
Using synonyms and vulgar analogues is fine if you like it, but it's better not to get carried away to avoid going into absurdity or outright vulgarity. But if you like vulgarity...
Discuss your preferences
Let's say you like a little pain during sex and all your previous partners did too, but *the sound of a breaking mold* that doesn't mean your current lover belongs to the same club.
Let's accept as a fact: everything that seems obvious and self-evident is not.
People are different, and I'm not even talking about any unusual tendencies. Some people like to bite and scratch, some don't. Some get excited by conversations, some don't. Some lose their heads when their belly button is licked, while for others, this will provoke a fit of wild laughter.
Even things that seem to raise no questions at all can turn out to be a metaphorical column you crash into headlong. I know men who can't finish from oral sex or in positions traditionally considered the most orgasmic. In such a situation, you would be grinding away until both of you got calluses unless one party is aware of what's happening. And all that needed to be said was: "Honey, I won't finish like this," — and either change position or continue solely for the sake of the other participant's process or pleasure. The main thing is that both have access to the same information.
It's not painful. On the contrary, such discussions can become a luxurious foreplay in themselves. And there's no need to get upset if your preferences don't match in some ways. Find common ground (if you know what I mean).
Be straightforward when appropriate
Sometimes it's better to say it straight out than to communicate in half-tones and with facial expressions, like in a silent movie. An eloquent nod in the groin area can be interpreted as "eat me all over," when you only meant "gently touch."
Once more: no one, even the person you've lived with for many years, can accurately guess your thoughts and desires with 100% certainty. Your pleasure is your mutual responsibility. A good partner should try to do everything the way you like, and you should open your mouth and use words.
I'll give you an example. Many men have a bad tendency: during cunnilingus, when he's caught the right rhythm and pattern of movements, the girl starts moaning louder and squirming because there it is, happiness. What does the man do? He changes the pattern. Out of the best intentions, of course. He thinks he needs to diversify/speed up/slow down. That's a mistake. If the girl is screaming and squirming from ecstasy, you just need to keep going. (Life hack, boys. Don't mention it.)
This is the moment when you need to be a little selfish and, without fear of hurting his ego, say:
Sweetheart, what you were doing before was just fire. Do that again. A little higher, uh, excellent… aah!
Be delicate when it's necessary
Speaking directly and calling things by their names is good, but this does not cancel out respect, tact, and a sense of proportion. In communication, especially on such a complex topic, it is very important to develop your inner "sense of appropriateness."
Strong embarrassment and discomfort can completely ruin the mood or bring excitement to a halt. Before you shoot all your desires and needs at your partner head-on, assess the situation.
- Are you in the right place?
- How does your partner feel? What mood are they in?
- Do they know that the request or fantasy you voiced doesn't need to be realized "right this second"?
- Are you sure that your tone and the raised topic will be received well?
- Are you ready not to take offense and change the tone/temporarily drop the topic if they're received poorly?
In general, facial expressions, voice, and word choices can transform the feeling of a phrase by 180 degrees. You are not sleeping with a picture, but with a living person. The art of communication is not only the ability to turn thoughts into words, but also the skill of delivering them in the most favorable way for all participants.
Terra incognita
Let's say you like something pretty (or very) unusual. You're lucky. Yes, yes, lucky. This is your personal universal test. If during an open conversation you inform (without pressure, without demands, just as a fact) that you like, say, whipping your partner with a whip, there are two basic reactions possible. Either the partner, so to speak, runs away screaming, or they don't.
With the first reaction, there's not much you can do. Maybe the person is disgusted. Maybe they don't tolerate anything in bed except for the missionary position in the dark. Maybe they have a phobia regarding black skin. It doesn't matter. But now you are aware.
With the second reaction, you can work with it, and the direction depends on its nuances. Did the person smile? Ponder? Frown? In any case, a good partner (if your suggestion doesn't seem unequivocally unacceptable to them) will be ready to at least discuss it. Naturally, the principle works both ways: show the same understanding that you expect yourself.
Talking about your unusual desires out loud can be scary: you feel vulnerable, fear being rejected and labeled a freak. This happens. It's unpleasant, but not fatal.
Ultimately, you are who you are. You love what you love. Even the strangest and silliest fetishes have their fans. If you don’t pressure and give your partner time, metaphorically speaking, to fit your fantasy into their own worldview, the result may pleasantly surprise you.
In conclusion
You know what's the funniest? The issue of communication is primarily a problem for heterosexual couples. When partners are of the same sex, you can't just jump into bed and get down to business. Who will do what and with whom? In what order? With improvised means or without? In their case, it is completely obvious that sex is not a paint-by-numbers and not a checklist, so they have to negotiate.
But I regularly hear from heterosexual men and women phrases like: “Sex? What’s there to discuss? Everything is clear already.
But sex, even very traditional, is a terribly multifaceted thing, and every person is a depth of peculiarities and nuances. Figuring them out is cool. It can be fun and interesting even after many years together. And our mouth is given not only for oral caresses and chewing food. Let’s use it for its intended purpose.
Shall we talk frankly?
