This is not a repertoire of techniques in the style of “do this, put your hand there, move your hips 30 times a minute, and she/he will finish,” and you don’t need to count your lovers by the hundreds (or even dozens) to be good in bed. A simple desire and the right attitude to the matter are enough.
So, a good sexual partner: skilled, kind, generous.
In Brief
- A skilled partner is ready to learn and try something new.
- A kind partner cares about the person they are sleeping with and leaves him/her in a better state after sex than before.
- A generous partner loves to give pleasure without expecting instant and symmetrical feedback.
How to Become Skilled
Learn and Ask
Captain Obvious reminds us of a fact that is astonishingly often forgotten: sex is a skill (among many other things, but it is a skill too). No one sits down at a piano with an innate ability to play Rachmaninoff’s third concerto. Or "The Dog Waltz." And the ability to play a waltz (that is, having experience in sex) does not make you a virtuoso.
A new partner is a new symphony and a new chance to learn something. The simplest way to do this is to ask questions.
Having addressed the first question on the path from mutual desire to sex (the question of consent when both say “yes, I want”), heterosexual couples systematically neglect another. No less important.
What do you like?
When you go to the movies or a restaurant, you decide together where to go and what to eat, right? You discuss your tastes, look for contact, shuffle options. It should be the same in sex. It can be before or during, but this conversation must take place.
Don’t rely only on experience, it is not universal anyway. Don’t think that “everyone knows everything without discussion.” That’s how people act who consider the script of a standard porn video the pinnacle of sexual mastery. Believe me, you can do better.
Try
The worst thing you can do in sex is to play “paint by numbers.” In other words, don’t get stuck in a certain sequence of actions. Even if it always works for your current partner and you don’t change the pattern on the principle of “why fix what isn’t broken,” I can hardly imagine a person who would run away in horror if you suggested adding variety to this scheme. And if such people exist, you won’t want to sleep with them.
New doesn’t necessarily mean radical.
If your girlfriend likes “the cowgirl,” suggest “the inverted cowgirl.” If your sex is always in bed — try it on the kitchen table. I could go on for a long time and raise the stakes, but I think we understand each other.
Sex is such a rich thing that turning it into a routine due to your own laziness is simply a crime, and there is always a chance that in seeking out you will stumble upon something that you or your partner, it turns out, adore.
How to Become Kind
Be Attentive
Let’s start with the basics: health and contraception. It is impossible to be kind without considering the potential consequences of passion for yourself and the other.
I won't discuss safety with a new partner for the evening: the topic is too big. Just realistically assess the risks. As for regular partners, girls should talk to their gynecologist about alternative types of contraception. The IUD, pills, implant have their pros and cons. Study them. I recommend boys to show character and not shift 100% of the responsibility for pregnancy onto the girl. At least carry a condom in your wallet for emergencies and don’t finish inside without clear consent from your partner.
And also, guys, if you practice the withdrawal method, I hope you are absolutely sure of your self-control.
We’ve dealt with the physical, now let’s move on to the higher ground.
A kind partner cares not only about the body of the person they are sleeping with, but also about his/her emotional comfort.
No matter how well you know each other, in front of you is a living person who wants basic respect. This can be shown in different ways. Be polite. Don’t pressure or manipulate. Don’t be deceitful. Let’s say, if this is just a one-time thing for you, don’t pretend that you are head over heels in love. And if you are now trying to justify yourself, saying that without pretending you “won’t get any,” why are you reading this article?
Take Responsibility
If sex ends in an unpleasant situation (injury, illness, unwanted pregnancy), the responsibility for it is shared, and you must accept your part.
First, if there is your fault in what happened (you caused pain, insisted on sex without protection) — apologize. This is not a minor thing, and it is important.
Secondly, discuss the next steps. Ask for help if you are the one who got hurt. Provide help if your partner is the one who suffered. If you hurt someone — comfort them. If you need treatment — both of you should get treated. If there is a suspicion of pregnancy, buy emergency contraception (this is in any case better than an abortion).
How to Become Generous
Don’t Be Selfish
The essence is simple: if your partner desperately wants something and it doesn’t evoke symmetrical excitement in you, but also doesn’t cause disgust — do it.
“But it doesn’t cause disgust” — an important clarification. I’m not calling anyone to martyrdom for someone else’s orgasm. If what your lover wants ends with a scene where he/she lies on the bed in post-coital oblivion, and you’re on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and a pool of your own tears, please don’t do it.
I’m talking about things that are okay for you. Not a nightmare, but not ecstasy either. Nothing special.
In an ideal world, we all want and love the same thing, but even very compatible couples don’t have that kind of idyllic harmony.
Your desires will diverge. This is normal, and it is no reason to deny a person pleasure.
If this approach outrages you (“But what about me! I should want it too!”), I have two words for you: oral sex. It predominantly (unless we are talking about the 69 position) is pleasure for one, but we don’t seem to think that the person performing it is making some wild sacrifice?
Discard Shame and Doubts
What’s the point of being able to give a great blowjob if you are embarrassed to initiate it?
The ability to give pleasure is incompatible with shame about it. It will poison the entire experience and give even perfect technique a note of falseness that most people will instantly pick up on. Imagine that at a party, you are handed a gift, but as you joyfully reach out your hand, they pull away and awkwardly shuffle their feet. I don’t know about you, but I would think something like: “If you don’t want to, then don’t give it, what a childish thing?”
If you give, do it sincerely. If you aren’t sure that your partner wants it — ask. Nothing terrible will happen, the fear of looking silly and inexperienced — that’s also from shame.
I want to do X, do you?
Is it really that difficult?
Main Advice
I’ve slightly deceived you. This is still a repertoire of techniques. No, I’m not saying that being skilled, kind, and generous is bad. It’s good, even very good. Just consider this as first-level advice that will help people with a still not very developed sexual sphere.
And here’s the second-level advice: engage.
Sex and passion require immersion and loss of control. And by loss of control, I don’t mean license (“no” still means “no”). It’s about spontaneity, about the desire to express your wishes, to ride the wave of them while involving your partner in this movement.
Only in this way can you for a moment take off the hat of the “honest citizen,” stop analyzing everything and keeping your finger on the pulse, surrendering to its beating.
In an ideal situation, sex is almost a trance where partners merge so much that they feed off each other's emotions and pleasure. Both give a lot and receive a lot.
In this state, you will catch each other’s desires in mid-air, sometimes without words, on pure empathy, and the words you want to say will sparkle and energize both of you even more.
This state requires liberation, trust, and, most importantly, sincere desire. Not just to relieve tension and achieve release, but to enter into almost a symbiosis, and not just with anyone, but specifically with this person, with his body, his emotions.
If you are unable to engage in such a merging, your lover can be the most skilled, kind, and generous person in the world, it won’t make much difference — on the other side, no one is waiting for him/her. It will just be sex. Ordinary. In a week, you won’t even remember it.
Therefore, my advice to you is: love sex, love the one you sleep with, and yourself. Develop your sexual sphere. Allow yourself to want this. Be sincere, plunge into the depths, even if only for a while. It’s worth it.
