Despite the fact that we live in the time of a sexual revolution, a significant number of people experience shame and discomfort trying to reveal their sexuality, or even completely suppress their nature.
According to one study Perceived «out of control» sexual behavior in a cohort of young adults from the Dunedin Multidisciplinary Health and Development Study. , 7% of women and 13% of men worry about their fantasies and sexual behavior, while real problems are experienced by a tiny minority — less than 1%. Thus, many people who consider themselves porn addicts actually watch no more porn than others, and those who think they are sex addicts have sex no more often than others.
It’s all about perception, according to American psychologist and sexual problems expert David Ley. People may have typical sexual behaviors and experience desires common to many, but judge themselves for it.
The reason lies in the values and beliefs that we absorbed in childhood. Rigid moral norms learned in the family, school, or through religion hinder an adequate perception of one’s sexuality.
This problem can be illustrated by the example of casual relationships. Those who perceive sex with a stranger in a positive light feel much better afterward than those who condemn such relationships but subconsciously desire them. Such people often need to fuel themselves with a large amount of alcohol to overcome their internal barrier. The result is sad: in the morning, along with a terrible hangover, they also feel a gnawing sense of guilt.
David Ley offers several ways to stop tormenting oneself in this way and come to terms with one’s sexuality.
1. Change behavior
This is not about indulging in all sorts of excess. On the contrary, in some cases, it is better to strengthen self-control. Ley says that if spontaneous realization of hidden desires brings a person disappointment and pain, they should first figure themselves out and set priorities.
Thus, instead of getting drunk at the bar, waking up with a stranger the next morning, and berating oneself for it, it is better to think soberly about what lies behind such behavior: what a person wants and why they are ashamed of it.
Taking responsibility for one’s behavior is the first step toward sexual harmony.
2. Check your values
All the beliefs learned in childhood require an adult, balanced approach. This pertains to the intimate sphere as well.
To begin with, Ley suggests that everyone examine their views on casual sex and masturbation, anal and oral sex, the use of sex toys, pornography, infidelity, and many other aspects of sexual life. As an option, one can take a thematic test, for example such or such.
Additionally, the psychologist advises considering the issue in light of modern possibilities. Is virtual sex infidelity? What if the partner is artificial intelligence? Is it even possible to have a relationship with a program or operating system, as in Spike Jonze's film "Her"? There is no single correct answer to all these questions. Each person decides for themselves.
3. Watch more porn
This advice is unlikely to be approved by your grandmother. Nevertheless, porn is a good helper in expanding one’s understanding of sexuality, stopping the taboo on certain types of sex, and possibly diversifying one’s intimate life.
4. Learn from desires and fantasies
Some people are so ashamed of their desires that they begin to live a double life. By day, these conditional Batmans promote ultra-conservative values, while at night they indulge in dreams and secretly roam the vastness of the internet. This is quite an exhausting and destructive strategy. It is better to use fantasies to honestly, rationally, and maturely figure out one’s preferences and find a partner who shares them.
5. Learn to talk about desires
Often, there is no need to seek someone new: it’s enough to share one’s fantasies with the existing partner. Many do not do this simply out of fear of being rejected. But the truth is that one cannot be sure of anything in advance. Who knows, perhaps the partner has the same hidden desires or is open to experiments.
To clarify: it is not necessarily about some perverse deviation. Often, desires that a huge number of people experience can seem forbidden. For example, according to a recent study What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy? , over 80% of men and women dream of having sex in an unusual place, about 40% of men and 27% of women wish to engage in sexual contact with a stranger couple, and roughly the same number of women and men (26–28%) have a tendency toward fetishism. A full list can be found here.
Furthermore, even the statistical rarity of a sexual fantasy does not indicate its "wrongness." Human sexuality is a part of human individuality, and developing it is one direction of personal growth. The main thing is that this development should not be forced upon the partner.
