1. We need to learn from porn
According to a survey Students turn to porn to fill the gaps in their sex education. , conducted in 2015, 60% of British students use pornography for sexual education. Young people simply don’t know where else to find information on the topic.
What’s the problem? It’s that porn films are created for entertainment, not for education. Their scripts are implausible, everything is staged: from dialogues to orgasms. Modern pornography is the result of many filming hours, exhausting takes, special effects, and angles.
You wouldn’t use a soap opera to develop social skills or study physics through a sci-fi movie. Likewise, porn should not be your way of learning about sex.
Moreover, popular porn films are full of sexism, racism, and discrimination; they lack intimacy and respect. They create false ideas about bodies and unrealistic expectations, contributing to low self-esteem.
2. Sex toys are competitors to sex
Sex toys do not replace or cancel sex, as some think. Moreover, there are plenty of reasons to use them with a partner. For example, to make various tasks easier for each other — I mean, who would refuse a super hand in bed?
3. Communication is not part of sex
Sex and communication, like yin and yang, must be together. Always. But many people do not realize the importance of communication for intimacy. Boyajian considers this the most dangerous misconception of all.
Without open dialogue, problems arise, such as negative sexual experiences, boundary violations, and even sexual violence.
4. Sex is only about penetration
Another stereotype that the former dominatrix encountered is that only penetrative genital intercourse can be considered sex. Fun fact: actually, no, there are other options.
This misconception, among other things, simply offends those who engage in sex (yep, sex) outside the classic scenario of “the penis enters the vagina.”
5. Sexuality and gender match and never change
Not all of us are cisgender (cisgender is a term that refers to people whose gender identity matches their biological sex). There is a whole spectrum of gender and sexual identities that is too often not only unrecognized by most but is also poorly understood by it.
Gender is a group of socially constructed roles, behaviors, actions, and attributes that our culture considers appropriate for masculinity and femininity. Biological sex is assigned at birth and sometimes does not match what a person identifies with — in that case, we talk about transgenderity.
A person can also exist outside the binary gender model and be gender non-binary Gender non-binary people are those who do not identify as either male or female. or gender fluid Gender fluidity is a term that refers to a gender identity that varies over time. People who adhere to this self-identification may see themselves as both male and female or not attribute themselves to any gender at all. .
Orientation is defined by whom a person feels sexual attraction towards. This can be people of the opposite or the same sex, or both. There are also asexuals — people who do not feel sexual feelings and desires.
Boyajian notes that despite such a variety of identities, they can change throughout a person's life. At one point, you may choose one gender identity, then another. For some time, you might be attracted to some people, then to others.
It’s amazing that we are developing and normalizing different terms to describe gender identity and sexual orientation, she says. But we should not cling too tightly to these conventions if we feel that changes have occurred within us.
6. Sex is made for your partner's pleasure
Some people perceive sex exclusively as a way to satisfy others, not themselves. They do not realize that good sex is primarily a pleasurable sexual experience for themselves.
By understanding your body, discovering what drives you crazy, and exploring pleasure, you can feel yourself.
7. You don't need to study your body
The most common issue that the former dominatrix faced was that people did not know their own bodies. She explains that in her work, she required sensitivity and a good understanding of another's body in order not to harm them and to provide “the right” sensations. But some clients found it difficult to explain what they felt or wanted to feel.
Before each session, I talked to the client about what they were looking for, what they wanted. When I delved deeper and asked about their most sensitive areas and favorite sensations, many could not answer them. They had never asked themselves about this before.
8. Sex is not about empowerment
The media and marketers create a certain sexual ideal and teach us from a young age that anything outside of it is inappropriate.
This ideal is usually very white, very heteronormative, very sexist, and does not correspond to what most consider normal.
We are so accustomed to the male gaze on everything sexual that those who do not identify as men must fight for a voice.
Transgender and non-binary people still lack broad representation. This “invisibility” makes them feel defective, especially when it comes to their sexual experience. The more we talk about all sexual experiences, the more we normalize sex in general.
9. Sex cannot be discussed
And the last misconception that strikes Boyajian is that sex and sexual life should be a secret behind seven seals. She considers this position harmful and hypocritical: in this case, sexuality seems to be separated from other areas of human life.
I think in some cases it is important to maintain the privacy of one’s sexual life, but certain moments and issues should be discussed. How will your partner understand what feels good to you? How will you understand what feels good for them? Until we become telepaths, sex should be discussed.
In conclusion
Knowledge is power, so all of us without exception should get sexual education. There are many resources for this, but it is important to choose reliable sites rather than forums. For every useful piece of information, there is as much misinformation.
Engage in sexual education and say goodbye to archaic misconceptions!
