While there is an active discussion in the world about harassment, violence, and the boundaries of what is permissible in the interaction between two people, in the RuNet, different conversations are taking place against this backdrop.
We discuss how one should dress and how to take photos for social media so that your murder can be morally justified by the entire country, and we have almost categorically decided that no consent in sex is necessary for us because it kills the romance and generally distorts the very essence of sex.
Let’s figure out how such beliefs arise and why, in fact, consent in sex does not interfere with romance and the concept of sex.
Pain for many is an essential component of sex
Pain statistics
When we reason about consent in sex, we assume that all participants in the process are in an equal position, possessing the same information and expectations.
It seems that pain does not fit into these expectations for anyone, yet studies Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States show that 30% of women and 5% of men experience pain during vaginal sex, 72% of women experience it during anal sex, and the majority of them do not tell their partner about it.
There are also such data: 8–21% of women at some point in their lives experience a phenomenon known as dyspareunia – painful (ranging from "a little painful" to "very painful") intercourse due to medical or psychological reasons; 15% have chronic dyspareunia. And it takes Endometriosis fact sheet on average 9.28 years for a woman to finally receive a diagnosis of "endometriosis" (one of the causes of dyspareunia).
Journalist Lili Loofbourow, writing for The Guardian, The New York Times Magazine, and The New Republic, in one of her articles provides a direct quote from a scientific study Women’s Sexual Pain and Its Management that shows how women endure these nine or more years:
“Anyone who regularly encounters complaints about dyspareunia knows that women tend to continue sexual contact if necessary, just gritting their teeth.”
89% of women experience problems with sexual life three months after childbirth, 30% continue to experience persistent pain during sex even a year after childbirth Consultation about Sexual Health Issues in the Year after Childbirth: A Cohort Study .
The difference is in the semantics
If you ask friends around how often they have had bad and good sex, it turns out that men and women have approximately equal results.
Loofbourow decided to investigate whether men and women attribute the same meaning to the concepts of "good" and "bad" sex and concluded that they do not.
Bad sex for a woman is pain.
Bad sex for a man is a boring partner.
Good sex for a woman is the absence of pain.
Good sex for a man is a bright orgasm.
This is not new information about the sexual reality of half the planet's population. It’s just that we are finally starting to take it into account.
If at least a third of women endure sex, “gritting their teeth,” it means that at least a third of women, even without considering the issue of consent, are not enjoying sex and romance in it.
Sex without consent is always violence
What consent in sex means
In general, the very meaning of consent is now detailed and adequately explained in the Russian-speaking internet: it is a clear "yes" in response to the proposal to engage in sex, active physical participation of both (or however many there are), equality of partners, and the possibility of revocation.
Here is such a video about consent made by British police:
What prevents receiving and giving adequate consent
Don’t tell him “I don’t want that” too often, or he will think you are selfish.
Don’t ask: “Are you good?” She will think you do not know what to do with her.
Don’t tell him “Get off, that’s enough” if the action has gone on for a while and you already feel uncomfortable. What if he has problems with ejaculation, can’t you endure? A man is like a child, don’t say anything directly, just suggest to him another toy.
Don’t ask her the question “Why are you crying?” Who knows why: maybe she loves you that much. Don’t stop, the girl will appreciate it.
Don’t tell him “Yes, let’s do more” – a man should not be commanded in bed, otherwise he will no longer want to sleep with you.
These are all quotes from Russian glossies. These “taboo” phrases encompass all the painful topics that ultimately lead to bad, often traumatic sex. They instill in women: don’t think of yourself in bed, don’t talk about your feelings, endure discomfort and pain. And men are told the following: don’t pay attention to your partner’s discomfort, keep doing what you’re doing, even if your partner is crying.
After all, what is at stake is the most valuable: “masculinity” and “femininity,” “proper” performance of roles in sex, which for many heterosexual couples still remains an unbreakable pillar. To avoid looking like a “bitch” or to show yourself as a “macho,” it is worth enduring.
Why it may be difficult to talk about consent in sex
The concept of consent seems to imply that it did not exist before. This shifts the conversation about sex into a new channel: it turns out that all past experiences could have been traumatic for those close to you. Interestingly, the reaction of men in the RuNet was limited to offense and “I didn’t rape anyone,” while women’s reactions were “those who feel pain are to blame” and “men should take charge.”
An attempt to distance oneself from the described cases and the repetition of the sacred postulates of heterosexuality is one form of defensive reaction. But even feminist theory does not reduce the discussion to blaming one side or calling men rapists.
Men have been declared enemies of women by radical feminists, and women are called enemies of humanity by participants in the men's movement. But we do not turn to radical groups of the population when planning to discuss the problem constructively.
Consent is not about shifting blame onto each other. One wants to believe that no one in their right mind plans to harm a person with whom they sleep.
However, it is quite expected that if a girl is prepared from childhood for a painful first time, which she will have to endure, and a boy is prepared for the idea that he must continue the action despite pain and blood, this will lead to an adult woman continuing to endure and a man ignoring discomfort.
Consent is necessary for both parties to step over archaic notions of intimacy, deal with their own complexes, and stop turning them into bad sex for everyone.
Spontaneous sex is not violence
Romance before sex is a prelude on the roof with candles, in a fitting room, in the basement of a parental dacha, or indeed anywhere and however you like, but no prelude means consent to sex.
If a person kissed you first or accepts kisses – that is not consent to sex. If you, while kissing, made it to the bed/shower/table – that is not consent to sex. Phrases from the "taboo" list above ("Do you want to continue?" or "Should I stop?") are not stop words; they will not ruin the evening or kill the desire if it exists.
If you asked, and you were refused, it was not consent that deprived you of sex; it was your partner who did not want sex at that moment. And if you didn’t ask and sex happened, there’s a chance the other will remember that evening differently.
Spontaneous sex is if you were folding socks, your girlfriend brought you coffee, kissed you, and sex happened. No one calls that violence. The same goes for spontaneous sex that starts already in the hallway.
In general, no form of spontaneous sex is called violence. Because none of these situations interferes with yet another "stop phrase" from glossy magazines: "What do you want me to do?" It allows the person who is not the initiator of sex to listen to themselves and voice their decision.
And finally: giving a person the opportunity to express their desire after a romantic evening or in the process of ripping each other’s clothes off – this does not interfere with intimacy and does not kill passion.
But always expecting sex from a person and not giving them the chance to realize their desire – that is insecurity and selfishness, allowing one to consider romantic and passionate sex without consent.
A person refuses sex not because they were asked, but because they do not want sex.
