Orgasm is an elusive phenomenon and completely depends on the brain, but we have made it a sign of great sex and sincerely believe that we can recognize it by external signs. Let’s figure out where we went wrong.
What men need to know
1. External signs are not an indicator of orgasm
Moans, convulsions, arching the back, releasing "claws" — these are not signs of orgasm. Media and porn have created a toxic stereotype that a real orgasm should resemble an exorcism ceremony.
Neuroscientist, Dr. Nicole Prause dedicated a study to this The human female orgasm: critical evaluations of proposed psychological sequelae , in which she decided to check which external signs accurately indicate that an orgasm has occurred.
The result caused an uproar because none. According to her, many women during orgasm do not exhibit their state with any external signs at all.
2. Women moan to stop sex
According to statistics, women often fake orgasms: 67% of women do so sometimes, and 25% fake it in every Men Fake Orgasms HOW Often? And More From The AskMen.com 2012 Survey sexual encounter. But only 20% of men believe Understanding orgasm that their partners might fake pleasure.
Most men consider Sorry, guys: Up to 80 percent of women admit faking it moans as proof of orgasm. This piqued researchers' interest, and they found that, in fact, it is the opposite: one-third of women regularly fake orgasm, specifically by intensifying the sounds they make Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm , half of those faking do so occasionally.
3. The demand for orgasm won't help to achieve it
In general, the very expectation of visible proof of orgasm is logically explained by sociologists. Charlene L. Muehlenhard, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, proved in her research Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm that men consider a woman's orgasm as an evaluation of their performance.
And many do not stop their actions until they receive verbal confirmation of this. That is, in a literal sense, they will continue moving inside the woman until they receive an acceptable response.
At the same time, talking about sex is something we are still learning, and we do not adequately perceive the information that the partner did not achieve orgasm. This leads to the fact that we pay more attention to visual signs than to the actual feelings and sensations of the partner.
This approach has also let men down: now they have to dispel the myth that ejaculation always means orgasm, although this is not the case.
For example, this is what women look like before, during, and immediately after orgasm. With such facial expressions, women could be sitting opposite you on the bus, and you would suspect nothing. The photo was taken as part of his project O Project by Brazilian photographer Marcos Alberti.
4. Nevertheless, there are still external signs of orgasm
Orgasm is a powerful nerve signal that travels through the spine to the brain. So, obviously, there are some physical signs, but they are usually difficult to notice and pinpoint.
Obstetrician-gynecologist Lisa Mastersonexplained what happens to a woman during orgasm.
First and foremost, it’s a rapid heartbeat. Then the muscles (not like they show in the movies, but rather like spasms — they may be hardly visible) of the ankles, toes, and, importantly, the vaginal muscles begin to contract. Contractions inside the vagina can be felt with fingers.
Then comes the orgasm itself, during which the pupils dilate and the clitoris pulses. This can be attempted to be felt with the lips. And finally, as Dr. Masterson adds, if you have done very well, the woman will sweat (not because she was jumping on the bed, but due to rapid heartbeat and muscle contractions).
5. The brain, not the technique, drives you to orgasm
To be more precise, the technique plays an enormous role, but only if the person in bed with you is comfortable.
Only a quarter The Most Important Sexual Statistic of women regularly achieve orgasm during intercourse: regardless Finnish women and men who self-report no sexual attraction in the past 12 months: prevalence, relationship status, and sexual behavior history of how long it lasts, the size of the penis, how the woman feels about the man, or their relationship.
This statistic comes not only from a single study but also from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the last 80 years, conducted by Elisabeth A. Lloyd in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm.
So most likely, there are two scenarios.
Either the girl in your bed clearly knows what to do to reach orgasm and tells you about it. In that case, you need to listen to her, rather than recall your previous experiences or images from porn. If the girl knows that she needs, for example, at least an hour of oral pleasure for orgasm, and tells you directly, that’s great news for you. It means she is very comfortable with you, she has gone through the jungles of her doubts, fears, and mistrust, and expressed, possibly for the first time in her life, what she wants in bed.
Or she has never experienced orgasm and cannot suggest what she likes. In this case, your previous experience may help, but it is important to remember: she does not know how to reach orgasm, but it is natural for her to realize whether she enjoys what is happening right now, so do not pressure her. After all, you’re learning about her together, she already feels uncomfortable, so don’t act as if you’re in a hurry to go somewhere, as the process of satisfying the partner tires you.
Remember that the orgasm still occurs in the brain. And if it has happened at least once, then you clearly understand its approach, retreat, possibility, or impossibility.
Sometimes it can "disappear" in the process: a few seconds "before" it cramps the leg — that’s it, most likely, a change of position will delay the orgasm or completely scare it away. Or the girl may realize that she cannot "catch" it — that’s normal and does not reflect your inadequacy as a lover. It indicates that the girl’s brain is not ready for an orgasm at that moment, even if she herself is quite ready.
6. Meanwhile, a variety of practices can help
It has long been known that heterosexual women experience the fewest orgasms. The reason is that they receive less oral sex.
Australian researchers surveyed Why So Many Women Don’t Have Orgasms 5 thousand heterosexual men and women about their last sexual encounters and found that in 96% of cases this involved vaginal penetration. Only 24% of women reported receiving cunnilingus. In 1% of cases, there was anal sex for women. On the other hand, mutual genital massage was reported by all equally: 76% of people mentioned it.
Orgasm from any of these actions was experienced by 95 to 98% of men. For women, the statistics differed greatly. Only 50% of women reported orgasms just from vaginal penetration. When hand stimulation of the genitals was added, the percentage of women who reached orgasm increased to 71%. Clitoral massage, vaginal penetration, and cunnilingus led to orgasm in 86% of women.
Additionally, there are studies Understanding orgasm that confirm that only 8% of women are able to regularly achieve orgasm just from vaginal penetration. And this is not about the skill of their partners, but about physiology: their clitoris is located closer to the vagina than that of others.
The author of the study, PhD, Professor Kim Wallen adds that, despite this number, Hollywood continues to portray this 8% as 100%, which harms both women and men.
So if your partner reaches orgasm only from penetration, it’s about her anatomy, not your penis.
Anything that helps a girl stimulate her clitoris, whether it be hand stimulation, cunnilingus, or something else, is more likely to lead her to orgasm.
What women need to know
Your pleasure matters
According to statistics Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm , 90% of women have faked an orgasm when they realized they would not be able to achieve it. The reasons given for faking include: to stop sex due to boredom, fatigue, discomfort, pain, time constraints, or to please a partner.
The absence of orgasm is least related to the partner's technique and skills, the presence of sex toys, and so on. A Finnish study showed Determinants of female sexual orgasms that the main factor for achieving orgasm was psychological comfort: it increased sexual desire, arousal, and boosted self-esteem and openness.
So stop thinking that your orgasm can wait for better times. Hundreds of studies are dedicated to exploring the reasons for female faking and lack of orgasm, showing that this is a widespread problem reflecting deeper issues in society, in human relationships. Just 20 years ago, female orgasm did not concern anyone — and it’s time to change that.
What affects the number of orgasms
Psychologists and sociologists have found Why So Many Women Don’t Have Orgasms that there are four variables that affect the likelihood of orgasm to some extent.
- The older and more educated a woman is, the more likely she is to orgasm, as women become more confident in demanding attention in bed and talking about sex.
- Liberal women have more orgasms than those who adopt conservative (religious and social) views, where a woman’s feelings are always secondary.
- The more comfortable and happier a woman feels in a relationship, the more she opens up sexually.
- Women who have experienced sexual violence or other trauma related to sex experience fewer orgasms.
The third point — the level of comfort, pleasure, and happiness in relationships — is the most significant. In "ideal" relationships, 70% of women reported orgasms, while the number dropped to 49% in sexual encounters with casual partners.
Reasons that may hinder you from reaching orgasm
1. Stereotypes from movies
Some women fake orgasm because they don’t know how long it will take them to truly achieve it, or what exactly to do to make it happen.
PhD, author of The Elusive Orgasm Vivienne Cass believes that the media's depiction of orgasm is to blame: "Men and women see these vividly orgasming women in movies and think it's the norm. Meanwhile, there’s also porn. Because of it, most have become used to seeing women climax in a matter of seconds."
As a result, not only men expect a "ritual of exorcism," but women also anticipate some extraordinarily vivid sensations, which may lead them to ignore their true orgasm or consider it not intense enough.
But each orgasm is unique in sensations, duration, and intensity, it’s important to learn to feel your body and not adjust your expectations based on the contorting woman on the screen.
2. Critical attitude towards one’s body
Psychologists believe 7 Factors Affecting Orgasm in Women that critical internal judgments made by a woman about her own body disrupt the smooth buildup of sexual arousal, which is a crucial factor in achieving orgasm.
A woman’s inner voice lists her main worries: "my breasts are too small", "they don't look like other women's breasts", "my breasts are deformed", "my vagina is too dry/wet/narrow/wide", "my vagina is ugly", "I don't feel clean down there, so I don’t engage in oral sex."
Psychologists note that many women have internalized negative attitudes towards their bodies from their parents, through hygiene training and other issues. If genitals had no names, they could not be touched, only washed, then the genital area is associated exclusively with excretory functions.
Female shame ultimately spreads to everything below the waist. It’s hard to enjoy touching parts of the body that you have learned to consider dirty, and this hinders orgasm.
3. Lack of adequate sexual socialization
Many women have acquired distorted views on sex from an early age. Negative parental attitudes towards nudity, masturbation, and sexual practices with first partners significantly influence how men and women perceive sex and sexuality.
As a result, people begin to view some sexual actions as acceptable and "clean," while others are seen as "dirty" and "bad." Furthermore, some religions regard sex as an expression of base, sinful human nature.
It’s hard to imagine that a person raised in such a system suddenly loves sex and quickly opens up sexually at about 25. Psychologists agree, however, that an adult woman, in the end, will be likely to perceive sex as a forbidden and shameful act, and feel guilt and expect negative consequences for her desires and enjoyment.
4. Fear of awakening suppressed memories of trauma
One in three women worldwide has experienced some form of violence and harassment, and this cannot be ignored. Such experiences leave a mark, especially in a country where it's shameful to seek help and you won't get societal support.
At the same time, a large number of affected women have suffered traumatic experiences before the age of 18, and often a relative was the perpetrator. This undermines the woman’s entire system of trust in the world subsequently.
In such cases, intimacy becomes a heavy event because the woman experiences problems with trust, comfort, and confidence. Sex can ultimately provoke feelings of guilt, emotional pain, and any resemblance between her partner and the perpetrator increases the likelihood of painful memories resurfacing.
5. Fear of losing control
Feeling like you are in control of the situation is one of the basic human needs. When you grow up in a country where men believe they can say anything to you, shout at you on the street, touch you, stalk you, and where the word "no" is interpreted only as flirting, maintaining control becomes a defense mechanism that is difficult to build and hard to lose.
Psychologists claim that women who rely on maintaining control as a defense mechanism tend to resist their own desire to express themselves freely during sex.
What to do to help yourself achieve orgasm
1. Look at your genitals
If you’ve never done this, take a mirror and look at your genitals. At the very least, learn where the labia minora are and what the clitoris looks like.
2. Get to know your body
Set aside 30–60 minutes to explore your own body. You can start by taking a bath or a shower. You may use oil, lubricant, or lotion. Focus on how the touch feels, where it feels best. Move towards the genitals, try to understand which areas you enjoy being touched on, and where it feels like a simple touch, like any other part of your skin.
Then take a break and replay the sensations from the touches in your mind: perhaps a specific place and intensity of touch will come to mind. Try it. And don’t rush to move directly to masturbation; it’s important to get used to your body and pleasure as a whole first.
Psychologists believe Helping Women Learn How to Have An Orgasm that this should help normalize such behavior so it stops being perceived as stress.
3. Masturbate
The process of masturbation is also important to make comfortable, so it's time to learn your genitals’ reactions to touch. Once you figure out how exactly and where you need to be touched to feel good, it will help in achieving orgasm. This will also increase blood flow to the genitals, which is beneficial for reaching orgasm.
Give yourself as much time as you need, and don’t hesitate to approach the process thoroughly: your position, using lubricant, stimulating factors (erotic novels, porn, or fantasies), music — anything that helps you relax.
And don’t worry about the time: achieving orgasm may take 5, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes. Don’t fixate on that; your pleasure is what matters.
4. Learn to talk to your partner
After you’ve figured out what you like, come to terms with the fact that your pleasure is important and achievable, convey this to your partner.
If it’s a one-night partner, he will need direct guidance on what to do — and don’t accept his refusals or selfishness. It's better to agree on everything in advance: your enjoyment should also be part of the partner's plans, and he should be ready to listen and hear you.
5. Don’t fake it
Unfortunately, some women fake orgasm not just because they are tired or missed an orgasm, but to avoid unpleasantness in the form of physical violence The faking orgasm scale for women: psychometric properties . But if you have the opportunity to tell the truth, do so.
Researchers believe that women who have already experienced orgasm fake it less often. You should have the right to stop sex without pretending and making excuses, but simply because you don’t want to continue and you haven’t been able to achieve orgasm.
If your partner's pleasure is important to you, there are many other ways to help him gain satisfaction, and you don't have to endure anything for that.
Do not remain silent, especially if the relationship suits you. As long as the partner doesn’t know you’re not reaching orgasm, he can’t change that.
Also read
- TEST: How much do you know about female orgasm? Find out! →
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- 6 tips for girls who can’t achieve orgasm →
