Protecting children and teenagers from online porn is almost impossible. Whole states try to block forbidden topics on the internet, but they fail. Let alone individual parents.
And the marginal position of the topic of sexual education in Russia leads to the fact that the only source of information about sex for teenagers is their own experience, stories from friends, and the internet. It turns out that the question of whether your child will see porn one way or another is already resolved. Instead, another question is open: how will you react to it?
How to behave if you found out that your child is watching porn
1. Remain calm
The child always senses your mood. “The biggest mistake is an emotional, inadequate reaction to what happened, — says psychologist and sex therapist Marina Tikhonova. — Under no circumstances should you judge the child or shame them. If the parent doesn't react strongly, express surprise, widen their eyes, grab the child by the hands or hit them, the child is unlikely to even remember such episodes, as they fit into the stages of natural sexual development.
The sight of a parent in horror can have a serious impact: “The fact that a parent is shocked is a very powerful non-verbal message for the child that sexuality is bad, sinful, and dirty.”
A ban or protest from parents can lead the child to problems with sex in adulthood if the topic remains taboo for them.
Richard Toft, a child psychologist from California, points out in a Huffington Post interview that the parent's reaction in such a situation has a significant influence: “By ranting, raging, and threatening punishment, you can make this experience truly traumatic.”
2. Talk and ask
“It’s important to find out what is happening with the child, why they became interested in such videos, under what circumstances it happened, whether it was a one-time case or if it happens regularly,” — says Marina Tikhonova. Usually, this is a passing, cognitive interest. It’s not worth dwelling on and obsessing over this topic.
3. Analyze the child's answers
Make sure that the idea of watching porn is their own and is indeed part of a natural interest in sex. If something in their answers raises concerns, for example, if there are reasons to believe that an adult advised them to watch the video, the child has fixated on porn in general or on specific sexual topics, there is reason for concern.
Through porn, a teenager may be trying to cope with some problem. “Unfortunately, the child is not always ready to talk about the unpleasant experiences that happened to them, because they are ashamed to talk about it or think that they are to blame, — notes Marina Tikhonova. — If the conversation about watching the video occurs in a very trusting environment, the child may talk about some things that they will need to see a specialist about.”
4. Understand yourself
“If a parent, when faced with such situations, feels helpless, outraged, or disgusted, they should first ask themselves about their own sexuality,” — says Marina Tikhonova.
She is supported by Daniel Bruton, a pediatrician from Minnesota who led the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (USA) for 13 years. In a Huffington Post interview, he points out that children’s behavior should be separated from one’s own attitude towards porn: “You may want to see a psychologist to figure out how to handle such a situation, but that doesn’t mean you need to seek psychological help for your child.”
5. Decide whether to limit access to porn
Consider whether to even talk to children about the world of online porn. For example, you can explain that there are videos that are suitable only for people with a lot of sexual experience, so it’s better to avoid them for now.
When setting up parental control for internet access, it’s worth explaining what exactly you are blocking and why.
If you have resigned yourself to the fact that children will look for porn anyway, teach them to do it wisely and responsibly: to clear their browser history, avoid viruses, and never send naked photos and videos to others.
In general, the question of whether children should be taught this is much sharper than it may seem. Teenagers see how easily one can make money by selling their naked photos and videos on the internet and sometimes try to do it themselves. However, only adults buy such content.
Stories of parents who found out that their children are watching porn
The New York Times spoke with families who have already faced this problem and managed to solve it.
Chez, a father of two children from the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA
“I realized it was time to talk to my 12-year-old son when I received a bill for an app purchase for ‘1,001 Breasts’. Without focusing on the purchase, I asked if my son or his friends were interested in such content. I said that being curious is normal. I added that I had already installed a filter on the browser that would hide the most explicit materials. I agreed with my son that if he needs such photos, he can send a link to a specific site, and I will add it to the allowed list.”
Patty Thompson, mother of five children from Reading, Massachusetts, USA
“Horrified by the amount and variety of online porn, I wanted to protect my children, who were from 7 to 15 years old, from these materials completely. I spent hours studying instructions and manuals to correctly set up parental controls. For Christmas, I gave all the children an iPod Touch. It turned out that it could access the internet. I had to take it away until I figured out how to disable the internet connection. I searched for answers, called Apple, and only after months found a solution — the app Mobicip, which solved this task.”
Carlos, a father from Pasadena, California, USA
“I realized it was time to talk about porn with my 14-year-old son when I accidentally saw his search history on his smartphone. The teenager was searching for naked photos of peers, which is both logical and problematic, because, among other things, it could violate laws against child pornography. I didn’t react immediately, waited for a calm moment, and indicated in the conversation that it’s normal to be interested in sex, but porn does not reflect the reality of how people make love and build relationships. I added that my son can always ask me about anything that concerns him. Questions started pouring in immediately, and the conversation went well.”
Richard Esplin, a Mormon and father of four children from Lindon, Utah, USA
“I made an agreement with my children, who were from 2 to 8 years old, that they would only access YouTube under my supervision. I explained to them what porn is like this — videos where people pretend to be married.”
Dana, mother of three children from Massachusetts, USA
“I didn't set up parental controls. I decided that being interested in what naked women look like is normal for a 9-year-old boy. At 13, my son asked why women like it when they are choked. I didn’t hesitate and explained that in reality, they certainly don’t like it, but in porn, actors do it by agreement. I compared it to staged no-holds-barred fights that my son often watches. The question was closed.”
The sphere of human sexuality is an important and especially interesting topic for teenagers and children. It raises many questions, the answers to which they will try to find themselves. The task of parents is to try not to harm and not to mislead them on this new and strange path.
