To the surprise of adults, the first question about the nature of one's own origin arises at a rather early age — between 3 and 5 years old. Reactions vary. Some are outraged and respond irritably with something like, “You’re too young to know,” some distract the child and steer the conversation to another topic, and some calmly say: “From the belly” (“Babies come out of mommy’s belly button”).
To this day, popular versions like “The stork brought it” (“Babies are delivered by storks”) and “Found in cabbage” (in America, it’s found in gooseberries: “Babies are found under gooseberry bushes”) are still common, but there are modern ones as well, such as “Bought at the store” (Americans, to preempt further inquiry, clarify that children are only sold at night and only to parents: “Babies are bought in Walmart at night on the top shelf by moms and dads only”). However, when children reach adolescence (teenager), adults start to think about the need for discussions “about this,” about “the big secret.”
Herein lies the problem: how do you even talk about it? With what words? Often, after making an awkward attempt, parents hear that the child already knows something and quickly change the uncomfortable subject. Some prefer to explain using the terms “pistil” and “stamen” (in English-speaking countries, this is called “birds and bees talk,” meaning “the conversation about little birds and little bees”).
If until this age (around 12 years) the cultural differences in conversations about sex in Russia and English-speaking countries are negligible, after that talking about it in Russian becomes problematic.
The vulgar and crude language usually used to describe sex is not something you want to use when talking to teenagers. They learn these words and expressions themselves and aren’t shy about using them, but there is no direct sexual subtext in such conversations. The use of tabooed themes as curses (like sex with the offender's mother) is common in various cultures, as can be found, for example, in Chekhov’s essays about a trip to Siberia: “Listening to their choice profanity, one might think that not only my driver, the horses, and they themselves, but also the water, the ferry, and the oars have mothers.” In English, there is a similar expression — “fuck your mother.” But swearing, including the rich Russian variety, is also unsuitable for such conversations.
Another option familiar to parents is to use childish terms like “pee-pee” or “little willy.” But building a fruitful conversation with a teenager using such vocabulary, explaining the nuances of contraception (contraception), talking about sexually transmitted infections (sexually transmitted infection), masturbation (masturbation), conception (conception or fertilization), and childbirth (childbirth), about what the concept of “age of consent” (age of consent) means, and what abortion (abortion) is, is practically impossible.
And how can you explain hygiene basics to a girl if she just has a “pee-pee”?
Before hygiene products began to be actively advertised on television and the internet, girls experiencing their first menstruation (menarche) often got very scared and thought they were dying.
There is also scientific language. But the trouble with terms is that they seem dry and sometimes difficult to pronounce. It is unlikely that you can communicate your thoughts clearly this way: “The taboo on intercourse during puberty does not exclude cunnilingus and fellatio, which some consider a perverse deviation, unlike somatic coitus aimed at procreation.” Even at the beginning, the phrase becomes incomprehensible. Moreover, professional terms are not always clearly defined and correct due to a lack of unity in terminology. For example, “masturbation” may be called onanism, and “homosexuality” — sodomy, which is unacceptable.
A question arises: “Is there really no equivalent in the Russian language?” Of course, there is. Let’s compare the English term “masturbation” with the Russian “рукоблудие.” How do you explain to a teenager that this is a normal, pleasurable, but intimate (in the sense that it occurs alone) process, using the word “рукоблудие”? “Блуд” is definitely something shameful, bad, and immoral.
Even the very word “sex,” which came to us from English, still carries an emotional connotation. In English-speaking countries, “sex” means “gender” (male or female). Children hear it from an early age; it is emotionally neutral, while the strict taboo on these topics in Russia has long forced them to utter it with shame and in whispers. Then came the 90s with a kind of sexual liberation, and at that time, sex began to be shouted from all sides.
As a result, now when we hear the word “sex,” we experience both shame and interest and excitement.
The unacceptability of childlike, crude, and scientific languages often reduces conversations about sex between parents and teenagers (and even between partners) to a speech vacuum. Communication remains heavily reliant on vague hints. But hints are a very unclear language. They lead to misunderstandings at best, and to violence at worst.
In Russian-speaking society, there is an opinion that a girl should be unattainable, while a man should show persistence and “close the deal.” As a result, “no” is often perceived as “yes, but be more persistent” or “maybe.” In English-speaking cultures, on the contrary, openness in discussions about preferences is valued more.
So, for everyday communication and the work of child and adult psychologists in Russian, we need words — simple and clear ones. For brave parents, there is the option to familiarize their child with medical language from an early age. This language allows for accessible and calm discussions about sexual development. Additionally, honest answers to questions that arise during maturation, rather than avoidance or joking, help establish trusting relationships in the family.
It is good if a child knows that they have someone to discuss important topics with. But here too, due to the lack of sexual culture in Russia, complications may arise. Imagine a five-year-old girl running up to her mother on the beach saying, “Mom, my entire vulva is full of sand.” There is a high chance that those unaccustomed to such vocabulary nearby, unashamed in their expressions, will not miss the opportunity to reproach the mother, and will admonish their own children not to play with that girl.
Surveys and life experience show that swearing, when spoken by a child, will elicit a much smaller reaction. Why is that? Because of customs. Swearing in the Russian language is a common thing: it exists at home, on the street, and on the internet. People converse in it.
Medical terms, despite their accuracy, can be heard so rarely that they cause shock and rejection.
Besides the lack of a clear and simple language, shamefulness and embarrassment still prevail in the Russian mentality. What can be said about children when adults cannot discuss the topic of sex among themselves. They wait, endure, hint, invent numerous metaphors and allegories, but misunderstanding breeds anxiety and dissatisfaction. How can you talk to a child in such a state? Perhaps one should start with oneself and try to discuss it with oneself and with a partner.
By mastering the necessary vocabulary, selecting comfortable terminology, conversations can begin to be established with a teenager. And logical and correct English, where such dialogues began much earlier, can help with this.
