Is it worth talking to teenagers about sex and sexuality? Most parents believe that by the age of 10-16 it is already too late. And, as if justifying themselves, they recount a joke about a father who tried to talk to his son about sex and heard the answer: “Dad, what do you want to know?” Another part of adults argues that “no one talked to us on these topics, we learned everything perfectly on our own, and modern teenagers with free internet access will have no problems at all.” But it’s not that simple, as it may seem at first glance.
You are not late for conversations about sex
The situation with the availability of information has indeed changed. However, it doesn't always bring benefits. In my observations, children can first encounter porn at the age of 5-8 years. At this age, they are still not ready for such images, and parents are unable to calmly explain why porn has an 18+ rating, what is shown there is incorrect, and for what reasons watching such movies should be postponed until at least 16 years.
Moreover, there is a lot of information on the internet based on myths about sex. And not even an adult can always figure out where the truth is and where the marketers' fabrications are. So what can we say about children and teenagers?
I often tell a story about how in one of the small towns, friends in the sixth grade experienced their first nocturnal emissions over the course of a month. Of course, they shared this with each other and, trying to figure out what had happened, turned to Google with the query, “strange discharge from the penis.” After researching the information, they decided that they had cancer and wrote a farewell note to their teacher and parents.
This story may seem funny to adults, but not to teenagers. Especially concerning boys, with whom parents almost never talk about physiological changes during puberty.
The challenges of puberty: menstruation, discharge, nocturnal emissions, erections
Girls are luckier in this regard. Due to menstruation and the possibility of unwanted pregnancy, moms are compelled to discuss hygiene and physiology, as well as contraception. However, these conversations are often postponed until the ages of 10-12, while first menstruation can occur at 8-9—this is now the norm.
So it’s possible to talk about menstruation even at ages 5-7, when a child is curious about pads and tampons.
But besides menstruation, girls also need to discuss changes in the breasts, which grow unevenly and with discomfort. Also, about discharge from the vagina, which typically appears about a year before menarche. To prevent the girl from thinking that she caught something from the toilet or developed a yeast infection. Books can help in this case, particularly “Have You Started Yet?” by Ruth Thomson.
What should you talk about with boys? Definitely about erections. It’s clear that they exist from birth, but during adolescence, spontaneous erections become much more frequent. And they occur at the most inconvenient moments. For example, as a reaction to stress. Called to the blackboard—and there’s an erection. Unfortunately, this can lead to mockery and bullying.
In many schools in Europe, there are optional courses for boys about erections: what it is, why it occurs in the morning and during the day, how to deal with it (cover the groin with a book, ask to step out, wear looser clothing). Adolescents discuss with sex educators what is normal and what is a reason to see a doctor.
We are still far from such courses, but Nick Fisher's book “You Have a Masculine Dignity” can help with information. And don’t forget to talk about nocturnal emissions so that it doesn't turn out like in the story mentioned above. Remember that usually the first “wet dreams” occur at the age of 10-14 and indicate that sperm have started to mature in the testicles.
Masturbation: touching cannot be forbidden
Most often, I am approached by parents who caught their daughter or son masturbating. Often—it’s masturbating to pornography. And of course, a reasonable question arises: why didn’t you knock? It is clear that there are different situations. And if awkwardness hangs in the air, it’s better to talk about what happened. First of all, apologize for entering unannounced, and say that masturbation is normal. It helps deal with sexual arousal, relieve tension without any consequences (disease, pregnancy).
Usually, if parents did not hit the child on the hands for touching their genitals, did not shame them, taught the concept of personal boundaries, bought books from the “For Kids About This” series, there is no need to talk about masturbation.
Our task as parents is to instill a healthy attitude towards the body, genitals, and one’s own sexuality. And most often, this can be achieved through an adequate, calm reaction to any situation and simple explanations that “everything is okay with you.” As a sex educator, I often encounter the fact that not only teenagers but also adults find it important to hear the phrase: “Yes, everything is normal with you!”
And this is what we have discussed only regarding physiology! But it’s important to talk about many other topics. For example:
- contraception;
- STIs;
- teen pregnancy;
- sexual harassment and rape;
- abstinence;
- infatuation;
- boundaries of sexual relationships;
- culture of consent.
In the USA, studies were conducted, the results of which were published in Debra Haffner's book “From First Dates to Adult Life”. It turned out that teenagers from families where sexual education was provided practiced risky behavior 3-5 times less often, started their sexual lives later and did so more consciously. The same is confirmed by statistics Why Parents Should Have the ‘Sex Talk’ With Their Children from European countries, where sexual education has been a mandatory subject in school for several decades.
Moralizing and intimidation do not work
In the past school year, I taught a sexual literacy course to eighth graders, and at the last class, I asked them to fill out a survey that included the question: “What would help you talk about sex and sexuality with your parents?” Most children chose two options: “If they had talked to me about this since childhood” and “If parents didn’t lecture me but listened to my opinion as well.” That is why I say: you are not late for sexual education, even if your child has turned 10, 13, or 15 years old.
But it shouldn’t be a lecture, a moralizing, or intimidation—all of this has already been experienced with our parents, and such a tactic doesn’t work!
A conversation is an equal dialogue between two people, considering each other's opinions. Where listening occurs without criticism and evaluation, where it’s not scary to express one’s opinion and even to debate a little—in a respectful and safe manner.
And believe me, then a teenager will not be afraid to come to you with any question or problem. Because even taking a sexual literacy course, trusting conversations with parents on these topics, and adhering to safety rules does not provide a hundred percent guarantee that rape, disease, or unwanted pregnancy will not happen. And it’s better for a young man or woman to turn to their parents in this situation. So that mom and dad can respond adequately and help solve the problem. How to do this is already a question of the values of each individual family.
But at that moment, a teenager needs, above all, support and acceptance. So that they don’t have to take steps on their own that could lead to even more serious and irreversible consequences.
Do you know what reasons teenagers most often state in response to the question: “Why don’t you seek help from your parents?”
- They will scold me.
- Total control will start.
- They will say: “You are at fault.”
- I will upset/disappoint them.
- They won’t believe me/I won’t get the support I need.
- I will manage on my own.
Girls aged 14-16 assure that they regularly hear from their mothers the phrase: “If you get pregnant, don’t come home.” And where else should a pregnant minor go?
So think about whether you are the kind of adult whom they can come to with any problem and expect a normal reaction? And if so, try to remind your children more often: “No matter what happens to you: beaten, robbed, raped, infection, unwanted pregnancy—come to us. We will definitely support you and help. Yes, the first reaction may not be very adequate. Everyone has the right to be upset or angry, but that doesn’t mean we are bad. We are always on your side! Come to us in any situation—we will deal with everything together!”
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