In my work, I regularly encounter the shame that people's sexual fantasies evoke in them. It’s understandable: most of us grew up with the idea that sex is a rather shameful matter in itself, and if it goes beyond vaginal (for some, the boundaries expand to manual, oral, anal) sex, it’s just horrendous.
At the same time, people consume a colossal amount of porn, including hardcore. And the gap between reality (where discussing sex is shameful, let alone talking about fantasies) and this world of twisted fantasies can make a person feel wrong and very lonely.
What to do if your own fantasies scare you? Here are some alternative points of view on sexual fantasies that can help turn them from enemies into friends.
Why fantasies are normal and helpful
Fantasies are part of your individual experience
The features of your psychological path leave traces, including in the realm of fantasies. A random alignment of spontaneous sexual arousal and some situation can lead to the formation of sexual desire.
I'll start with something quite innocent. Among acquaintances and clients, I often encounter a similar story: arousal arose when an emotionally significant partner did something that was not sexual in itself (approaching from behind while washing dishes and hugging, kissing a hand in a special way, reciting poetry, and so on), and after that, the action itself became a trigger for arousal. For example, reading poetry aloud by men or even anyone with a pleasant voice provokes arousal.
Here’s a more intricate example from my American acquaintance. At about 17, he found himself in an interesting situation: he offered a girl he was in love with a ride. She agreed. And he was full of secret hopes and desires. And then she saw another guy (who apparently liked her), chatted with him, and asked my acquaintance to drop him off too. He agreed, not finding the strength to refuse. He described the situation as filled with conflicting feelings: a mix of desire, humiliation, and shame. Since then, fantasies about being a “cuckold husband” that played out similar situations became an important (albeit not the only) part of his sexual life.
When we met, he wanted us to be in a romantic relationship, but I had other romantic and sexual connections at the same time, about which he hoped to get reports. As a one-time game, it was quite fun, but as a way of life, it didn’t suit me.
I hope he found a suitable passion. If anything, there are separate websites for such people, even in Russia. For those interested, search with the words sexwife, cuckold. This applies to any other fantasies as well. I recommend as an anthropological quest to register on the international site with American roots FetLife.com and explore it to appreciate the diversity of human fantasies.
Fantasies are a way to better know yourself
Try to treat fantasies as material for self-discovery. Fantasies are most often a way for our psyche to communicate unmet desires or unprocessed emotions, often in an allegorical form.
This thesis is excellently illustrated by the BDSM subculture. Good BDSM games are a controlled and relatively safe playground where one can express their shadow sides—those that the conscious mind does not want to accept.
What do you not allow yourself to express in everyday life? The desire to punish or be punished? To let go of control or finally gain it? Maybe you repeatedly strive for a painful, shameful, and humiliating situation from your past?
During my immersion in this area, I explored many such facets myself. Allowing myself to be angry, ashamed, giving up control, and acting in ways that I wanted to evoke shame—in different periods of experimentation, my fantasies were a great source of information about those corners of the soul that were not always accessible in other ways.
And what if the fantasies are particularly cruel or directed towards those who are taboo—close relatives, children, animals? No matter how frightening it may be, everything is still material suitable for self-exploration.
Your fantasies do not make you a monster. Their realization does.
Behind cruel sadistic fantasies often lies unexpressed aggression from the past or present, behind incapacitated fantasy objects— the desire to dominate someone weaker. Someone who cannot resist. And do not forget that the very fact of the deep taboo surrounding these topics gives a significant emotional charge that fuels these fantasies.
What to do? Ideally, talk about it with a therapist or a sexologist psychologist. But this is also not an easy story since there are catastrophically few sex-positive specialists with proper training in Russia. You can also use fantasies for masturbation or sex with a suitable partner (an adult, capable person). You can “play” in an exciting situation where the partner or you “become” a relative, a child, an animal. In the BDSM subculture, there are special sections for such games, such as age play, pet play, and so on.
Here’s another personal example: in sexual experiences with my favorite men and girlfriends, I repeatedly tried to relive and rewrite a painful experience when, at 6 years old, my parents left me at a summer camp where I was very unhappy. And I placed myself in situations where I could again feel how my loved ones are now together, better off without me, I am not needed by them. That was the last vivid fantasy that played itself out in May when I managed to "rewrite" the situation and talk to my parents about my old grievances. That’s it, I’m not drawn there anymore.
Following inner changes, fantasies can also change. Some exhaust themselves and disappear, others arise, and still others strengthen and grow new details.
In my case, a consistent exploration and acceptance of fantasies (read—various shadow sides of the psyche) led to the point where now I live without fantasies. Any sexual desires arise for me in the moment of real contact with a specific person. But that’s my experience. The main thing is that you and your partners feel good.
Fantasies are a way to (re)discover each other
Familiar therapists say that people's relationships often fall apart because they never tell each other what they really want or don’t want. This also applies to sexuality. The fear of trusting your fantasies to a partner is quite justified: one can often encounter a wide range of reactions, from neutral to fear and disgust. How to talk about such things is a separate question that goes beyond this article.
I often give couples assignments in which they need to compile their lists of sexual fantasies and desires and then bring them for discussion with me. The process becomes magical when seemingly mismatched desires find points of intersection that can be approached creatively, creating a shared field for experimentation.
How to deal with the fear that fantasies will only become more intense
Here, against the backdrop of unicorns and rainbows, an objection may arise: what if allowing myself to follow fantasies leads to wanting more and more elaborate ones? How to stop?
To this, I have such a response, drawn from practice.
Accepting your fantasies does not equal realizing them
First, the awareness and acceptance of fantasies do not necessarily lead to their realization. The material itself is excellent fuel for igniting passion.
A couple of my acquaintances were having the most ordinary sex, but they created entire alternative worlds in words where they engaged in that sex. In the world of fantasies, they could be animals or aliens, live in different countries and eras, reenact favorite literary and cinematic plots. In their case, no reality could compete with fantasy.
Of course, if your fantasies become obsessive, interfere with your normal life and communication, that is a reason to consult a sexologist or psychiatrist.
Some fantasies are impossible or difficult to realize. For example, I had a fantasy of a gentle massage gang-bang. This is when 4-6 beautiful sensual men, under the guidance of my beloved, give me a full-body massage that flows into a tender orgy. You can understand how many limitations are here, right? To be honest, I even had a partner in the USA willing to gift me this for my birthday, but due to personal reasons, I did not return for the gift (and in general) to the USA. Two years ago, I had a lighter version of this game with two men, and it was wonderful. And now that fantasy no longer excites me that much.
The very possibility of freely sharing fantasies creates intimacy and acceptance, which often is precisely what is needed the most. To know that "I am good, right, everything is fine with me, I am accepted and loved as I am".
Self-knowledge weakens the attraction to the "forbidden"
Secondly, if alongside the realization of fantasies there is a process of accepting one’s shadow sides in the spirit of “yes, this is also me, and that’s wonderful,” the power of fantasies decreases, and they may become less attractive. The more completely a person accepts themselves in their various manifestations, the more they allow themselves to be themselves, the less "forbidden" they have left—what can easily transform into fantasies, including sexual ones. In my life (at least at this stage), it has worked out that way.
In general, explore your fantasies, learn to accept them, and if you wish, share them with your loved ones—and may it be good and interesting for you.
And if you want to learn more about the world of non-normative sexuality and its origins, you can read the most detailed popular science book on this topic in Russian—“I, you, he, she and other perverts” by Jesse Bering. In English, one interesting read is the classic mid-20th century work The Kinsey Reports by Alfred Kinsey in four volumes (available on Amazon).
Also read
- How to realize a sexual fantasy: 9 tips for the indecisive →
- 5 things that destroy your sex life →
- How to understand your needs in sex →
