What is BDSM
One of the most common sexual deviations (or paraphilias) is considered Paraphilias: definition, diagnosis and treatment sadomasochism. Some of its manifestations are even inherent in regular sex: spanking, nibbling at nipples, holding by the hands. However, some people want more than "toy" nibbling; they experience excitement from power, humiliation, and pain.
It was precisely for them that the BDSM subculture was created, which clearly separated sadomasochism from violent actions, turning sexual deviation into a role-playing game of dominance and submission. Essentially, it is a game in sadomasochism under certain rules set by the participants themselves.
In BDSM, there is a huge number of directions and practices, but the essence is the same: one partner dominates while the other submits, and both derive sexual and psychophysiological satisfaction from what is happening.
According to BDSM orientation, participants are commonly divided into dominants (eng. top) and submissives (eng. bottom), as well as those who combine the desire to dominate and submit (eng. switch). "Regular" relationships, which do not have any of these elements, are referred to in the community as "vanilla" — analogously to ice cream flavors: ice cream without any additional flavor in the USA is called vanilla.
The abbreviation BDSM encapsulates the names of the main components of this phenomenon.
BD — bondage and discipline
"Bondage" here involves not only the restriction of movement but also captivity, subservience, submission, loss of freedom, humiliation, and disciplinary actions.
The transfer of power from the top to the bottom for the duration of the action (from eng. action; this is also called a session) is temporary — in the sense that in the relationship overall, partners are equal.
Why do people want this? Some wish to temporarily abandon their usual role as a responsible person, to be able to let go of themselves, to be in a situation where nothing depends on them. Some find such games sexually exciting and conducive to reaching orgasm.
DS — dominance and submissiveness
This already pertains to relationships in which there is a pre-agreed inequality of partners. Why is this needed, and how is it different from traditional roles? It is fundamentally different.
A submissive is a person seeking to transfer control over certain areas of their life to another because they are afraid of making decisions, insecure in themselves and their strengths, unable to understand where to apply their abilities and skills. To achieve certain heights (from good taste in clothing and proper diet to admission to university or financial independence), they need support and direction from an authoritative figure, which they see in the dominant. The dominant, meanwhile, feels comfortable when they are in control; they possess sufficient strength of character and have natural skills for this.
SM — sadism and masochism
These are practices exclusively associated with obtaining pleasure from inflicting or experiencing physical pain. One partner does not dominate over the other; they are equals. Pleasure in this case is related to approaching extreme states — subspace (from eng. subspace; this is a trance-like state achieved as a result of a sudden release of a large amount of adrenaline), catharsis (tears caused by breaking, crossing the pain threshold), and in some cases, even to orgasm.
Thus, BDSM preferences can either turn into a lifestyle and become a significant part of family relationships (such relationships are called L/S — lifestyle), or end outside the bedroom or consist of rare actions amidst an ordinary "vanilla" life. Everything depends on the desires, needs, and consent of the participants.
BDSM is different from violence just as sex is different from rape. The ultimate goal of inflicting pain, showing power, humiliations — is not the humiliations and pain themselves, but pleasure derived from these practices, the emotional comfort achieved as a result.
BDSM practices are a very emotional process, and at their core are absolute honesty and absolute trust.
Such relationships are based on a strict adherence by participants to the SSC framework (from eng. safe, sane, consensual) — principles of safety, voluntary participation, and reasonableness. In Russian, this is BDR. This implies some awareness of the anatomy and psychology by the dominant, a lack of desire to harm the submissive, the sanity of both partners, and informed consent.
All actions happen with the willingness of both sides and can be stopped at any moment after the safe word is uttered. The safe word is a conditional signal, after which the practice must be stopped immediately. Moreover, the options of "no," "stop," "I don't want to" are not suitable, as they sometimes do not stem from the desire to stop and are part of the game. Most often, the word "red" is used as a safe word, analogous to a traffic light signal.
In addition, there is a concept of "taboo" from the submissive's side in BDSM — those actions that must never be taken. The boundaries for interaction are discussed by the participants in advance and are then strictly observed, because the submissive in BDSM comes for satisfaction, not to endure everything the dominant wants to do with them.
For example, the submissive may want spanking but without long-lasting marks, while a "golden shower" is unpleasant to even think about. Or they want to hear commands from the dominant, while offensive words only hurt, causing no pleasant shivers at all. The dominant must inquire about all wishes and mandatory requirements from the submissive before relationships in the BDSM format begin or right before the action.
How BDSM is perceived by society
When an uninitiated person hears the acronym BDSM, images from porn come to mind: with dungeons and indifferent sadists in masks, tormenting unfortunate screaming victims. Or some secret society of perverts in collars, latex, and with whips. Or scenes from the infamous trilogy “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Neither of these, nor the third, represents the truth; it does not show the true state of affairs and, in its hypertrophy, drives people away from experiments in intimate life. And often — from exploring their own sexuality.
Most BDSM adherents are ordinary people with families, children, and jobs. Looking at them, you wouldn't even think about the skeletons they keep in their closets.
To become acquainted with BDSM, one does not need to have a helicopter, a "red room," and satin sheets. You can engage in such practices in your own bedroom, even while being in a long-term marriage, even if children are sleeping in the next room. In fact, even a whip is not necessary. A palm, a belt, stockings to bind hands are sufficient, along with the desire to realize your fantasies and readiness for experiments.
How to tell a partner about your desires
Why do people hesitate to confess to their partner about their innermost fantasies, which may differ greatly from, let’s say, traditional sex? When the desire arises for a partner to spank you or insult you, it can be frightening to admit that even to oneself. It seems something shameful, dirty. And most importantly — it is scary to be misunderstood and unwelcome by others, especially close ones. How can one hit and humiliate their loved one? And even more so, how can this be arousing?
Yet it can be. And that is normal.
Any form of intimacy that occurs between people by mutual desire and consent is generally normal.
Where does the concept of normality end and the concept of "perversion" begin? What is considered normal? Sex under the blankets, with the lights off and in the missionary position? What if you turn the light on? What if you take off the blanket? What if you change the position to doggy style? What if you spank someone? What if you involve a clitoral vibrator in the process? What if you tie your partner’s hands behind their back and call them a bitch?
So, there are no rules, frameworks, or boundaries. As long as both parties enjoy what is happening.
How to express your unique desires without it being met with resistance? First and foremost, you need to figure out exactly what you want, which aspect of BDSM attracts you. Spanking? Bondage? Verbal humiliation? Because saying "I would like to dominate" is too vague. In what exactly do you want to dominate? What specifically do you mean by that term? Always or only in bed?
People, even very close ones, are not mind readers and cannot read thoughts. Hints can often be misinterpreted. Therefore, the only way to share your desires with a partner is simply to say it. Calmly and clearly, but without pressure.
Your task is not to impose your preferences but to evoke interest. First and foremost — with your sparkling eyes, openness, and honesty.
Explain that BDSM practices are not aggression, not violence, but a voluntary and controlled process happening for the pleasure of both. You can send a liked text on the topic, images, or videos that excite you. It makes sense to start with photographs that seem stimulating even to completely "vanilla" people: for example, an image of a girl in a harness and a mask, kneeling.
The words "Spank me, I want it" — are also a poor option. Firstly, they can be misinterpreted; secondly, they do not take the other partner's desires into account. "I often fantasize about you spanking me. It excites me, and I would like to try it with you. How would you feel about experimenting in this direction?" — is a good option. This is about your attitude towards BDSM practices and about the desire to realize secret fantasies specifically with a loved one, if they are open to it.
Openly talking about feelings is a very useful skill in relationships.
Your fantasies should correlate with each other. If a man dreams of being on his knees in front of a woman with a strap-on, while the woman cannot stand to see her hero humiliated, then it is unlikely anything will work out for them. But even in that case, you can try to listen to your partner. What if they like it? What if the experience turns out to be interesting?
At first, all of this may seem strange and unexciting. But until you immerse yourself in the situation, you won't know for sure without trying.
If your partner is against it, the worst thing you can do is to start putting pressure on them.
The most you can do in such a situation is to suggest exploring the topic together and experimenting. If the partner is categorically against it, you can only understand and forgive. Not wanting BDSM is just as normal as wanting it. You should either forget about it or find a mutually convenient way to satisfy your needs.
What you should definitely not do is to close yourself off, hide your feelings, and especially deceive. In relationships, no one will be happy this way.
How to prepare: choosing accessories
If you received from your partner the desired "Yes! Let's do it! I find this interesting" and discussed what specific interaction is appealing to both of you, the question of what tools to use arises. For the first experience, improvised items are sufficient: the palm, a belt, a cloth to blindfold. The main instruments in BD and DS are the voice and behavior of the dominant.
When it becomes more or less clear that the experiment was successful, you can acquire special devices — items designed for physical impact on the partner, spanking, and fixation. Which ones to buy first?
It is obvious that one should not spend money on cheap synthetic whips: you will lose both in aesthetic aspects of BDSM and in sensations. But ordering a one-and-a-half-meter whip from a well-known master is also a pointless and even dangerous undertaking at the outset. Spanking with such devices is possible only after the hand is well-practiced, and in most cases, you can do without such complexities.
Devices of the first choice should be durable yet inexpensive, and above all — easy to handle, so that even an inexperienced spanker can easily control the force of the strike.
Paddle
A wooden or thick leather plate with a handle. Essentially, this is a replacement for the palm, which gets tired after a few spanks. The heavier the paddle, the more painful it is; thus, it is better to start with a light and narrow leather one.
There are variations with metallic studs on the surface, which should be avoided at first. They often have inscriptions like SLUT that appear on the buttocks after a smack. If that seems excessive or funny, go for just a smooth paddle.
Stirrup
A flexible rod wrapped in leather with a flapper at the end, used for striking. The stirrup allows precise aiming and striking in the right place. It's mainly intended not for spanking but for discipline (for example, in BD, used as a "punishment" to flick at the nipple).
Flogger
A whip approximately half a meter long with many "tails" (up to 100 pieces), made from strips of soft leather. In terms of sensations, the strikes of a flogger resemble those from a bath broom — even with a strong swing, it won't hurt, and there won't be lasting marks.
The primary criteria for selection are the softness of the leather from which the device is made and how comfortable it feels in the hand. It is not advisable to choose a flogger longer than 60 centimeters — it is harder to manage.
Wrist and ankle cuffs
Leather bracelets for hands and feet with carabiners that allow fixing the submissive in various poses. Pay attention to the reliability of the fastenings and the softness of the surface on the inner side.
Rope
If binding appeals to you. At first, it is better to choose cotton: it is soft, does not irritate the skin, aesthetic, and easy to work with.
You can also look into nipple clamps, gags, collars, masks, and harnesses. There are no special criteria for selection — it is a matter of taste and budget.
What to do during the process
What you want and what you agreed upon. Spanking, brief (and not too tight) binding, humiliation, commands. The spectrum of BDSM interactions is very broad, and discussing each of them even in two words within one article is unrealistic. Therefore, we will focus on one of the most common options — spanking.
Of course, one should not hit with maximum force right away. Otherwise, after the first experience, a person may be turned off from pain forever. Start small, gradually increasing time and force of impacts, checking with the submissive about their feelings and desire to continue.
Your task is not to inflict as much pain as possible, but to create a desire to ask for "more," smoothly leading to the moment when the submissive can no longer remain at the edge of the pain threshold.
Initially, the zone of impact should only be one — the buttocks, as this is the least traumatic area. As for spanking, it is described in great detail and clearly in Timur Alimov's book "The Path of the Whip." It examines not only devices, methods of fixation, and types of strikes, but also the most important aspect of BDSM — the psychological one: why people desire this, and why it is necessary. It also explains the mechanism of sadomasochism from the perspective of hormones.
The dominant partner should have a rough understanding of what pain they will inflict on the submissive (hence, it is essential to try the device on their own thigh first) and take into account that the pain threshold of the submissive may be different.
The most important thing in BDSM, aside from strictly adhering to BDR principles, is trust between partners; confidence that nothing bad will happen. The dominant must listen not only to words but also to the bodily reactions of the submissive, pay attention to the breathing, moans, and gently stroke and kiss, reminding the partner that this is just a game. And remember that at this moment, control over the submissive lies in their hands, and it depends on them whether the submissive will smile happily after the spanking or feel hurt and disappointed.
It is always better to underdo than overdo.
The submissive must remember that they agreed to this not to suffer and endure, but to receive pleasure. Therefore, there is no need to remain silent about unpleasant feelings and forget that there is a safety word (which, of course, is better not to reach).
Pain practices are very emotional interactions that can even provoke tears. Essentially, this is what it is all about: for the sake of intense sensations on the edge, a strong heart rate, a peak of emotions. And the subsequent calmness and serenity.
To return the submissive to a calm state, care is necessary (in slang — aftercare): to comfort, hug, caress, talk softly, bring water, and let the partner rest.
After some time, it is essential to discuss what happened. In BDSM, where trust between participants is particularly important, and interactions may closely approach personal boundaries and have the potential to cause emotional injuries, an honest dialogue is crucial. What was liked, what should be repeated, what left an unpleasant residue — to consider these mistakes for the future. Perhaps there was a desire for more harshness or, conversely, the lack of kind words and tender touch.
Do not rush to introduce complicated practices into your life, such as long-term bondage or spanking with large heavy devices, even if such fantasies seem exhilarating. It requires specific skills and can be dangerous when performed by novices.
BDSM is not torture and suffering. It is one of the many ways of interacting between people that, with the right approach, can become a lifestyle, entertainment, or a way to diversify intimate life.
Or maybe it won't suit you at all. Expectations do not always match reality.
