Popular author Mark Manson asked his blog readers to share advice about relationships. More than one and a half thousand people wrote to him about their experiences. Mark gathered the basic rules of sustainable relationships from this material.
To begin with, let’s remember when it is absolutely not worth starting a relationship. Here are a few main reasons:
- Pressure from family or friends.
- Loneliness.
- Naive infatuation. When it seems that love is the solution to all problems and the only meaning of life.
- Insecurity or complexes. This inevitably leads to unhealthy relationships. It turns out that we love our partner only as long as they help us feel better; we give something only if we get something in return. In such conditions, real intimacy cannot emerge.
1. Be Realists
True love is not at all what romantic love is, when we overlook our partner’s flaws. It is a choice. It is constant support of another person regardless of the circumstances. It is the understanding that your relationship will not always be cloudless. It is the necessity to deal with your partner's problems, fears, and thoughts, even when you really do not want to.
Such love is more prosaic; it requires much more effort from partners. But nevertheless, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings real happiness, not another short euphoria.
2. Respect Each Other
This is the main thing in a relationship. Not attraction, not common goals, not religion, and not even love. There will be moments when you will feel that you no longer love each other at all. But if you lose respect for your partner, you will never be able to regain it.
Communication, no matter how open and frequent, will eventually reach a dead end. Conflicts and grievances are unavoidable.
The only thing that will help save your relationship is unwavering respect. Without it, you will always doubt each other's intentions, condemn your partner's choices, and try to limit their independence.
Moreover, you also need to respect yourself. Without self-respect, you will not be able to feel that you deserve your partner's respect. You will constantly try to prove that you are worthy of that respect, which will ultimately only harm your relationship.
- Never complain about your partner to friends. If you are unhappy with something in their behavior, discuss it with them, not with friends or relatives.
- Treat with respect that your partner may have interests, hobbies, and views that are different from yours.
- Take into account your partner's opinion. Don’t forget, you are one team. If one person is unhappy, it means that finding a solution to the problem needs to be done together.
- Do not keep everything to yourself; discuss any problems. You should not have forbidden topics for conversation.
Respect is directly related to trust. And trust is the foundation of any relationship (not only romantic ones). Without trust, a sense of intimacy and calm cannot arise.
3. Discuss All Problems
If you are unhappy with something, be sure to discuss it. No one will fix your relationship for you. The main thing for maintaining trust is that both partners must be completely honest and open.
- Share your doubts and fears, especially those you do not share with anyone else. This helps not only to heal some emotional wounds but also to better understand your partner.
- Keep the promises you make. The only way to restore trust is to keep your word.
- Learn to differentiate between your partner's suspicious behavior and your own complexes. Usually, during quarrels, one person thinks that their behavior is perfectly normal, while the other thinks exactly the opposite.
Trust is somewhat like a porcelain plate. If it falls and breaks, it can be very difficult to glue it back together. If it breaks again, there will be twice as many shards, and more time and effort will be needed to piece them together. But if you keep dropping the plate repeatedly, in the end, it will shatter into such tiny pieces that it will be impossible to glue them back together.
4. Don’t Try to Control Each Other
We often hear that relationships require sacrifices. There is some truth to this; sometimes you really have to give something up. But if both partners constantly sacrifice themselves, they are unlikely to be happy. Such relationships ultimately only harm both.
Every person should be an independent individual with their own views and interests.
By trying to control your partner to make them happy (or allowing others to control your own actions), you will achieve nothing good.
Some are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This may result from a lack of trust or insecurity. The less we value ourselves, the more we will try to control our partner's behavior.
5. Be Ready for Both of You to Change
Over time, you and your partner will change; this is completely natural. Therefore, it is important to always be aware of ongoing changes and to respect them.
If you plan to spend several decades together, you need to be ready for difficulties and unexpected situations.
Among significant changes that many couples face may be a change of religion and political views, moving to another country, and the death of relatives (including children).
When you first start dating, you only know what this person is like right now. You cannot know what they will be like in five or ten years. So you need to be ready for surprises. Of course, this is not easy. But the ability to have proper arguments can help.
6. Learn to Argue
Psychologist John Gottman identified four signs of behavior that indicate a possible breakup of the relationship:
- Character criticism (“You are stupid” instead of “You acted stupidly”).
- Blame-shifting.
- Insults.
- Avoiding the quarrel and ignoring your partner.
You need to learn to argue correctly:
- Do not bring up previous quarrels during one argument. This will solve nothing and only aggravate the situation.
- If the argument gets heated, stop. Go outside and take a walk. Return to the conversation only when you have cooled down.
- Remember that being right in an argument is not as important as the feeling that you are being heard with respect.
- Do not try to avoid arguments. Express your pain and admit what is bothering you.
7. Learn to Forgive
Do not try to change your partner; this is a sign of disrespect. Accept the fact that you have disagreements, love your partner despite them, and try to forgive.
But how to learn to forgive?
- When the quarrel is over, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. Leave all conflicts in the past, and do not bring them up every month.
- There is no need to keep score. In a relationship, there should be no winners and losers. Everything should be done and given selflessly, that is, without manipulation and expecting something in return.
- When your partner makes a mistake, separate their behavior from their intentions. Remember what you value and love in your partner. Everyone makes mistakes. If your partner messed up, it does not mean they secretly hate you and want to break up.
8. Be Pragmatic
Any relationship is imperfect because we are not perfect ourselves. So be pragmatic: determine what each of you is good at, what you love and do not love doing, and then divide responsibilities.
In addition, many couples advise to establish some rules in advance. For example, how will you share all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What needs to be bought together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?
Some even conduct “annual reports” during which they discuss running their affairs and decide what to change in the household. This may sound trivial, but such an approach really helps to stay aware of the needs and desires of your partner and strengthens the relationship.
9. Remember the Little Things
Simple acts of attention, compliments, and support mean a lot. All these little things accumulate over time and influence how you perceive your relationship. Therefore, many advise continuing to go on dates, going out on weekends, and definitely finding time for sex, even when you are tired. Physical intimacy not only helps maintain healthy relationships but can even help restore them when something goes wrong.
This becomes especially important with the arrival of children. In modern culture, children are almost idolized. It is believed that parents should sacrifice everything for them.
The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is healthy and happy relationships between parents.
So let your relationships always come first for you.
10. Learn to Ride the Wave
Relationships can be compared to waves in the sea. Such waves are various emotions, ups and downs in relationships. Some last only a few hours, while others last several months or even years.
The main thing is to remember that these waves in themselves almost do not reflect the quality of the relationship. Many external factors influence them: loss or job change, death of relatives, moving, financial difficulties. You just need to ride the wave together with your partner, wherever that wave takes you.
