Sometimes a partner's desires immediately resonate, and sometimes they do not. Perhaps monogamy is extremely important to you, and threesomes seem unacceptable. Or you had an unpleasant experience in the past, and now the thought of it scares you. Or maybe you are just not interested. In such a situation, you don't want to hurt your partner, but you don't want to force yourself either. Here are five steps that can help find a solution that suits your couple.
1. Thank them for their honesty
Do this first, as sharing fantasies is difficult, especially if they are unusual. Your partner has shown bravery and trusted you by revealing their innermost desires. Therefore, even if the fantasy seems completely uninteresting to you, show respect. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. After all, you wouldn't want your desires to be laughed at or shamed, would you? So the first step is to be kind and understanding.
2. Discuss how important this fantasy is
Fantasies come in different forms. Some are just nice to think about, while others need to be acted out to understand something about yourself. Find out which category the suggestion from your partner falls into.
Maybe they enjoy dreaming about sex on a plane but can live without it. Or perhaps the fantasy is incredibly important for their sexual self-expression, and they need your participation.
Start with questions like:
- Do you want to try this in real life or are you just sharing the idea with me?
- Do you need my participation in this fantasy?
- How important is it for you to feel satisfied?
- How would you feel if you could never act it out?
3. Learn more about the details
If the fantasy is important to your partner and they need your participation, learn as much as you can about it. Ask them for sources of information. If they have already thought about it, they may know of some websites, articles, or videos that can help you understand whether you are ready for the experiment. Or search for this information together.
4. Consider if you like any part of it
Many people are frightened by certain unusual fantasies, thinking they have to dive in headfirst right away. For example, if a partner says they would like to experiment with BDSM, you might already be imagining having to turn the bedroom into a torture chamber. This is not the best way to test a fantasy, even when both of you like it.
Instead, first, talk about the specific elements of the fantasy and determine the first steps. You may find that some part of the fantasy interests you. For example, you may not be ready for serious immersion in BDSM, but you are open to trying light spanking or a blindfold.
And before trying to embody any fantasy, first act it out verbally. For example, if you and your partner discussed sex parties, pretend you are at one and describe to each other what is "happening" around you. This is a good way to understand how you will feel without doing anything radical.
5. Look for alternatives
If you have done everything mentioned above but still do not find your partner's fantasy appealing, do not blame yourself. You have the right to set personal boundaries and refuse what is uncomfortable for you.
If the stated fantasy is very important to your partner, consider whether you are ready for them to explore it without you. This does not necessarily imply infidelity. Maybe they just need to discuss it on a relevant forum or act it out in correspondence with someone. Look for a solution that works for both of you. And remember that these things need to be discussed, not shied away from.
