What are personal boundaries in sex
To begin with, let's remember what personal boundaries are. In psychology, this term means The No BS Guide to Protecting Your Emotional Space understanding of one's "self" separately from others. Simply put, boundaries define our personal needs, desires, feelings, abilities, relationships with other people. They literally serve as a reflection of life beliefs and values.
So, what are boundaries in sex? It's simple: these are the actions and practices that cause you discomfort — physical or emotional. That is, understanding what is acceptable and what is strictly forbidden. For example, for someone a threesome seems immoral, while for another — absolutely normal.
How to define personal boundaries in sex
Discuss your preferences in advance
It’s best to talk about sex before it happens. And the sooner you do it, the less likely you are to waste time on a partner with whom you are completely incompatible. Yes, that can happen! You may not match due to conflicting preferences and taboos or anatomical features, for example, when a girl has a shallow vagina, and the guy has a long penis. And while it’s difficult to sort out physical compatibility in words, preferences can be discussed. For this, it is important to honestly and openly discuss several questions with your partner:
- What do you like most in sex.
- What are your taboos.
- Are there points of contact.
- Are you willing to try something new from each other's preferences.
- Will you accept refusal if the new practices cause discomfort to your partner and he is not ready to repeat it again.
A timely conversation will help not only to save time for unsuitable people but also to avoid conflicts between partners in the future. A simple example: in a couple, anal sex is taboo for the girl, while the guy has a tendency towards it. If this is not discussed, the partner may try to fulfill the desire one day, which will result in dissatisfaction in response. And the conflict could have been avoided.
In the early 21st century, there is a huge problem: we are afraid to talk about sex. Time and again, I encounter this in my psychotherapeutic practice. And I can confidently say: despite the information accessibility, people were more open in expressing their sexual desires and preferences 20 years ago.
Draft a contract
This is certainly not some paper writing but an oral understanding. The contract implies an answer to the question "What kind of relationship do we have?". Are there obligations to each other, what are they, what will happen in case of their violation? Essentially, it’s the same conversation about boundaries, but it covers partners' interactions more fully, such as their relationships with other people and the rules of living together.
It might seem unrelated to boundaries in sex, since we have discussed our preferences and taboos? In fact, everything is interconnected. For example, there is an obligation of fidelity, which is rarely voiced aloud.
What is considered infidelity in relationships? That is determined by my partner. And I either accept the condition and remain faithful to him, or break the rules, or do not accept his conditions and terminate our contract.
Thus, in some relationships, one-time sex is considered acceptable, while in others — even correspondence or a kiss on the cheek would be a reason for jealousy.
In general, the contract defines personal boundaries as a whole and teaches us to protect them. After all, we discuss conditions that will be comfortable for both sides.
What to do if the partner violates your boundaries
Recognize the problem
Often we don’t even realize that someone has crossed the line. We normalize what is happening despite the discomfort we feel, find the problem in ourselves rather than in the partner, and complain to friends about how bad everything is. You can check if your boundaries have been violated by the following signs:
- You are afraid to express yourself, voice your opinion, and refuse. You experience shame and embarrassment. Example: not stating that a certain position hurts you because it pleases your partner.
- You justify yourself and your partner. Example: when a man convinces you to engage in anal sex and you go along with it because "everyone does it" and "there must be something wrong with you".
- You prioritize solving your partner’s problems over your own. Example: you do everything to make him achieve orgasm while you don’t care about your own pleasure.
- You are afraid of loneliness. Example: you compromise your principles out of fear that your partner will leave you if you refuse.
- You depend on your partner's opinion. Example: you try to conform to an ideal image that has nothing to do with you.
Talk about what bothers you
Do not be afraid to voice your feelings. Gather in a quiet and calm environment, tell your partner about your worries and dislikes. Just avoid strong emotions: your goal is to remind them of your boundaries and ask them not to violate them.
Be honest, avoid general statements, and articulate your position. Instead of "I don't like this," explain why you dislike your partner's actions. For example, he loves having sex outside — in nature. What do you think is wrong with this idea? The possibility of being caught by others, physical discomfort, fear of contracting some infection.
Go for compromise, not walk over yourself
How to distinguish between these two concepts? Let's take the example of sex in nature. The fear of being caught can be easily resolved: find a truly deserted place. Physical discomfort can be fixed by preparing the right "gear". If having sex on the ground is uncomfortable, and the bark of a fallen tree rubs your skin, get a mat, such as a camping pad. The fear of contracting an infection is more challenging but still solvable. Choose a relatively clean place, take the same mat, and avoid having sex in bodies of water — in general, you can consider potential risks and ways to eliminate them. That’s a compromise.
However, if there is no mutually beneficial solution, but you still acquiesce to your partner's persuasion, that is not a compromise, and you will eventually feel discomfort.
In a relationship, you and your partner are both responsible for it. There is no longer "I", there is "we". Although, of course, a healthy dose of selfishness should be present — that’s your boundaries. Even the symbol of a marital union — interconnected rings — implies that there is a common area and a personal comfort zone. Thus, both partners should not only account for each other's personal boundaries but also find points of contact, some compromises. And here it is important to understand if they are indeed compromises? If so — great. You are in a relationship and find a solution that does not violate anyone's comfort. If you step over yourself — that is a detrimental practice that will not lead to anything good.
Don't fall for resentment
If a person does not get what they want, they feel resentment. This is a protective mechanism of the psyche and a form of hostile manipulation. After all, why do we get offended? To provoke guilt. In such a situation, the offended one is automatically right. Thus, the other party in the conflict should feel guilty and apologize.
Thus begins the game where both people play specific roles. The offender receives a reward for the apology, and the offended one receives psychological satisfaction.
What to do in case of a partner’s resentment:
- Understand that this is manipulation.
- Distance yourself, avoid conflict, and under no circumstances try to provoke a response.
- Wait until the resentment passes, as it will eventually.
- Continue the dialogue in a calm environment, find out why the resentment occurred, and find a compromise solution.
- Consult a specialist if no solution is found.
There are no other options. If no compromise is found, and psychotherapy didn’t help or they refuse to go, the relationship will come to an end.
Personal boundaries in sex are indeed an important thing. And it is not only about the physical and psychological discomfort you experience due to their violation. The ability to stand up for your beliefs is essential for building healthy relationships with the right partner. And isn't that what we all strive for in one way or another?
