A huge number of women fake orgasms, and men are not aware of it.
Orgasm is an elusive thing and completely depends on the brain, but we have made it a sign of great sex and sincerely believe that we can recognize it by external signs. Let's figure out where we went wrong.
What men need to know
1. External signs are not an indicator of orgasm
Moaning, convulsions, arching of the back, releasing "claws"—these are not signs of orgasm. The media and porn have created a toxic stereotype that a real orgasm should resemble an exorcism ritual.
Neurobiologist Dr. Nicole Prause dedicated a study to thisThe human female orgasm: critical evaluations of proposed psychological sequelae, in which she decided to check which specific external signs allow us to accurately understand that an orgasm has occurred.
The result caused an outcry because there were none. According to her, many women during orgasm did not display their state with any external signs.
2. Women moan to stop sex
According to statistics, women often fake orgasms: 67% of women do it sometimes, and 25% fake it in everyMen Fake Orgasms HOW Often? And More From The AskMen.com 2012 Survey sexual contact. But only 20% of men believeUnderstanding orgasm, that their partners could fake pleasure.
The majority of men considerSorry, guys: Up to 80 percent of women admit faking it moans as evidence of orgasm. This intrigued researchers, and they found that in fact it was the exact opposite: a third of women regularly fake orgasms, specifically enhancing the sounds they makeMen’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm, half of those faking do it periodically.
3. Demanding orgasm won't help achieve it
In general, the very expectation of visible evidence of orgasm is logically explained by sociologists. Charlene L. Muehlenhard, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, proved in her researchMen’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm, that men consider women's orgasm as an evaluation of their performance.
And many do not stop until they receive verbal confirmation of it. That is, they will literally continue their movements inside the woman until they receive an acceptable reaction in response.
At the same time, we are only learning to talk about sex, and we do not adequately perceive information that the partner did not have an orgasm. This leads to the situation that we pay more attention to visual signs than to the real feelings and sensations of the partner.
This approach has also let men down: now they have to dispel the myth that ejaculation always means orgasm, even though this is not the case.
For example, here is how women look before, during, and right after orgasm. With such facial expressions, women could have been sitting opposite you on the bus, and you wouldn't have suspected anything. The photo was taken as part of his project O Project by Brazilian photographer Marcos Alberti.
4. However, there are still external signs of orgasm
Orgasm is a powerful nerve signal that travels through the spine to the brain. So, obviously, there are some physical signs, but it is usually difficult to notice and specify them.
Obstetrician-gynecologist Lisa Masterson explained what happens to a woman during orgasm.
First and foremost, there is increased heartbeat. Then the muscles (not as shown in movies, but more like spasms — they may be barely visible) of the ankles, toes, and most importantly, the vaginal muscles begin to contract. The contractions inside the vagina can be felt with fingers.
Then the orgasm itself happens, during which the pupils dilate and the clitoris pulsates. This can be felt with the lips. And finally, as Dr. Masterson adds, if you tried really hard, the woman will sweat (not because she was jumping on the bed, but due to the increased heartbeat and muscle contractions).
5. The brain, not the technique, leads to orgasm
To be more precise, technique plays an enormous role, but only if a person feels comfortable in bed with you.
Only a quarterThe Most Important Sexual Statistic of women regularly experience orgasm during intercourse: regardlessFinnish women and men who self-report no sexual attraction in the past 12 months: prevalence, relationship status, and sexual behavior history of how long it lasts, the size of the penis, how the woman feels about the man or their relationship.
This statistic comes not only from one study but also from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies conducted over the past 80 years by Elisabeth A. Lloyd in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm.
So there are likely two scenarios.
Either the girl in your bed knows exactly what to do to achieve orgasm and tells you about it. Then you need to listen to her, not recall your previous experiences or images from porn. If the girl knows that she needs, for example, at least an hour of oral caresses to have an orgasm, and she tells you this directly, that's great news for you. It means she is very comfortable with you, she has navigated through her doubts, fears, and mistrust, and has possibly voiced for the first time in her life what she wants in bed.
Or she has never experienced orgasm and cannot hint at what she likes. In this case, your previous experience may help, but it’s important to remember: she doesn't know how to achieve orgasm, but she can naturally tell if she is feeling good right now or not, so do not put pressure on her. After all, you are exploring her together with her; she feels awkward enough without you behaving as if you are in a hurry somewhere, and the process of satisfying your partner exhausts you.
Remember that orgasm occurs in the brain. And if it has happened at least once, you clearly understand its approach, distance, possibility, or impossibility.
Sometimes it can "disappear" in the process: a cramp in the leg a few seconds “before” can mean that a change of position is likely to delay orgasm or completely "scare" it away. Or the girl may realize that she can’t "catch" it—this is also normal and does not indicate your shortcomings as a lover. It indicates that the woman's brain is not ready for orgasm right now, even if she herself is quite ready.
6. However, variety of practices can help
It has long been known that heterosexual women receive the least orgasms. The reason is they have less oral sex.
Australian researchers surveyedWhy So Many Women Don’t Have Orgasms 5,000 heterosexual men and women about their latest sexual encounters and found that in 96% of cases it was vaginal penetration. Only 24% of women reported experiencing cunnilingus. In 1% of cases, it was anal sex for women. However, mutual genital massage was reported by all equally: 76% of people indicated that they had experienced it.
Orgasms from any of these forms were experienced by 95% to 98% of men. Women’s statistics were significantly different. 50% of women reported orgasms only from vaginal penetration. When manual genital touches were added, the percentage of women who achieved orgasm increased to 71%. Massage of the vulva, vaginal penetration, and cunnilingus resulted in orgasm for 86% of women.
Additionally, there are studiesUnderstanding orgasm, which confirm that only 8% of women can regularly achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone. And it's not about the skills of their partners, but about physiology: their clitoris is located closer to the vagina than in others.
The author of the study, Dr. Kim Wallen, adds that despite such numbers, Hollywood continues to depict these 8% as 100%, which harms both women and men.
So if your partner can only achieve orgasm through penetration, it’s about her anatomy, not your penis.
Anything that helps the girl stimulate her clitoris—be it hand touches, cunnilingus, or something else—is more likely to lead her to orgasm.
What women need to know
Your pleasure matters
According to statisticsMen’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm, 90% of women faked orgasms when they understood they would not be able to achieve it. The reasons for faking were named to stop sex due to boredom, fatigue, discomfort, pain, time constraints, to please the partner.
The absence of orgasm is least related to the partner's technique and skills, the presence of sex toys, and so on. A Finnish study showedDeterminants of female sexual orgasms, that the main factor for achieving orgasm was psychological comfort: it increased sexual desire, arousal, self-esteem, and openness.
So stop thinking that your orgasm can wait for better times. Hundreds of studies are dedicated to examining the reasons for women's faking and lack of orgasm and show that it's a widespread problem demonstrating deep-rooted issues in society, in relationships between people. Just 20 years ago, women's orgasms did not concern anyone—and it's time to change that.
What affects the number of orgasms
Psychologists and sociologists have discoveredWhy So Many Women Don’t Have Orgasms, that there are four variables that to some extent affect the likelihood of orgasm.
- The older and more educated a woman is, the more likely she is to orgasm, as women become more confident in demanding attention in bed and talking about sex.
- Women with liberal views have more orgasms than those who adopt conservative (religious and social) views, in which women's feelings are always secondary.
- The more comfortable and happier a woman feels in a relationship, the more she opens up sexually.
- Women who have experienced sexual violence or other trauma related to sex experience fewer orgasms.
The most significant factor is the third point — the level of comfort, pleasure, and happiness in relationships. In "ideal" relationships, 70% of women reported orgasms, while in sexual encounters with casual partners, the number dropped to 49%.
Reasons that may hinder you from achieving orgasm
1. Stereotypes from movies
Some women fake orgasm because they don't know how much time it will really take them to achieve it, or what exactly needs to be done for it to happen.
Ph.D. author of the book The Elusive Orgasm Vivienne Cass believes that the portrayal of orgasm in the media is to blame: "Men and women see these vividly orgasming women in movies and think it is normal. Meanwhile, there’s also porn. Because of it, the majority are used to seeing women climaxing within seconds."
As a result, not only do men expect a "ritual of exorcism," but women also expect some extraordinarily vibrant sensations, which may lead them to ignore their real orgasm or think it is not strong enough.
But every orgasm is unique in sensations, duration, and intensity; it's important to learn to feel your own body and not adjust your expectations based on the contorting woman on the screen.
2. Critical attitude towards your body
Psychologists believe7 Factors Affecting Orgasm in Women, that a woman's critical internal judgments about her own body interrupt the smooth buildup of sexual arousal, which is a very important factor in achieving orgasm.
The inner voice of a woman lists her main concerns: "my breasts are too small," "they don't look like other women's breasts," "my breasts are deformed," "the vagina is too dry / wet / narrow / wide," "my vagina is ugly," "I don't feel clean enough down there, so I don't engage in oral sex."
Psychologists note that many women learned the negative attitude towards their bodies from their parents during education in hygiene and other matters. If genitals had no names and could not be touched but only washed, then the area of the genital organs becomes associated solely with excretory functions.
Women’s shame ultimately extends to everything below the waist. It's hard to enjoy touching body parts that you are used to consider dirty, and this hinders achieving orgasm.
3. Lack of adequate sexual socialization
Many women acquired distorted views on sex at an early age. Parents’ negative attitudes towards nudity, masturbation, sexual practices with first partners strongly influence how men and women perceive sex and sexuality.
As a result, people begin to view some sexual actions as acceptable and "clean," while others as "dirty" and "bad." Additionally, some religions view sex as an expression of base, sinful human nature.
It's hard to imagine that a person raised in such a system would suddenly, by the age of 25, love sex and quickly become sexually open. Psychologists agree that ultimately, an adult woman is likely to perceive sex as a forbidden and shameful act, feeling guilt for her desire and pleasure and expecting negative consequences.
4. Fear of awakening suppressed traumatic memories
One in three women in the world has experienced some form of violence or harassment, and this cannot be ignored. Such experiences leave an imprint, especially in a society where seeking help is shameful and public support is not forthcoming.
At the same time, a large number of affected women experienced traumatic events before the age of 18, often at the hands of a relative. This undermines the woman's entire trust in the world moving forward.
In such cases, intimacy becomes a heavy event because the woman faces issues with trust, comfort, and confidence. Sex may ultimately provoke feelings of guilt, emotional pain, and any resemblance between her partner and the one who caused the trauma increases the likelihood of returning to painful memories.
5. Fear of losing control
Feeling that you control the situation is one of the basic human needs. When you grow up in a country where men think they can say anything to you, shout at you on the street, touch you, stalk you, and perceive the word “no” only as flirting, control becomes a protective mechanism that is difficult to build and hard to lose.
Psychologists assert that women who are forced to rely on maintaining control as a defense mechanism are likely to resist their own desire to express themselves freely during sex.
What to do to help yourself achieve orgasm
1. Look at your genitals
If you have never done this, take a mirror and look at your genital organs. At least find out where the labia minora are and what the clitoris looks like.
2. Get to know your body
Allocate 30–60 minutes to explore your own body. You can start with a bath or shower. You may use oil, lubricant, or lotion. Focus on how the touch feels, where it is most pleasurable. Move towards the genitals and try to understand which areas feel good to touch and where it feels like a mere touch of any other area of skin.
Then take a break and replay the sensations from the touches in your head: perhaps a specific spot and touch intensity will come to mind. Try that. And don’t rush into masturbation; it's important to get used to your own body and pleasure in general.
Psychologists believeHelping Women Learn How to Have An Orgasm, that this should help normalize such behavior so that it stops being perceived as stress.
3. Masturbate
The process of masturbation should also be made comfortable, so it's time to explore your genitals' reactions to touch. If you figure out how and where to touch yourself to feel good, it will help in achieving orgasm. It will also increase blood flow to the genitals, which is beneficial for achieving orgasm.
Give yourself as much time as you need, and don't hesitate to approach the process thoroughly: your position, use of lubricant, arousing factor (erotic novel, porn, or fantasies), music—anything that helps you relax.
And don’t worry about the time: achieving orgasm may take 5, 10, 20, 30, or 45 minutes. Don’t fixate on this; what's important is your pleasure.
4. Learn to talk with your partner
After you have figured out what you like, come to terms with the fact that your pleasure is important and achievable, communicate this to your partner.
If it is a one-night partner, he will need direct guidance—don’t accept refusals or selfishness from him. It's better to agree on everything in advance: your pleasure should also be part of the partner's plans, and he should be ready to listen and hear you.
5. Do not fake
Unfortunately, some women fake orgasms not just because they are tired or missed an orgasm, but to avoid unpleasantness in the form of physical violenceThe faking orgasm scale for women: psychometric properties. But if you have the opportunity to tell the truth, do so.
Researchers believe that women who have already experienced orgasm fake it less often. You should have the right to stop sex without pretending and making excuses, just because you don't feel like continuing and couldn't achieve orgasm.
If you care about your partner's pleasure, you can help him achieve satisfaction in any other way, and you shouldn't have to endure for this.
You don't have to stay silent, especially if you are satisfied with the relationship. As long as your partner doesn't know that you are not achieving orgasm, he won't be able to change that.
