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Over the past few decades, sex friends have gained enormous popularity. According to data from the General Social Survey, 55.7% of students surveyed from 1988 to 1996 had intimate relationships with a friend. This number rose to 68.6% among students who participated in the survey from 2002 to 2010.
More and more movies on this topic have started to appear: for example, “Friends with Benefits” and “Sex Friends.” In movies, the scheme is always the same. Two friends drink, chat about how difficult relationships and sex are for them, and come to the conclusion that it is necessary to separate sex and feelings and just start having sex with each other. At first, everything goes according to plan, the friends are satisfied, but soon feelings begin to take over.
Research shows that in real life, everything is usually quite different. People may have different motivations and expectations, which is why such relationships often reach a dead end for completely different reasons. But one thing is shown correctly in the movies: relationships without commitments are complicated.
What is Friends with Benefits
In movies, friendship always comes first in relationships without commitments. In real life, everything can be completely different. For example, in 2013, Paul Mongeau asked 177 heterosexual students to define sex friends in their own words. This is how the researcher identified seven types of casual relationships. They differed in how much importance respondents placed on friends with benefits, how often they engaged in it, and what they hoped for in the long term. The list looks like this:
- True friends. Two friends decide to start having sex, just like in the movies. This is the most common type.
- Just sex. Two people have sex from time to time but aren’t true friends.
- Backup option. Two people agree to be a "backup" for each other if someone can’t find a partner.
- Successful transition. People intentionally turn friends with benefits into a romantic relationship.
- Unintentional transition. Friends with benefits accidentally turns into a full-fledged relationship. In movies, this is usually how it happens.
- Unsuccessful transition. One partner hopes that the casual relationship will turn into a normal one, but this doesn’t happen.
- Sex after relationships. Partners decide to end their romantic relationship but continue to have sex.
For different people, heterosexual relationships without commitments have different meanings. Take, for example, a study conducted in 2011 by Justin Lehmiller, Laura VanderDrift, and Janice Kelly. They surveyed 411 people aged 18 to 65 who were in casual relationships at the time.
Most men and women named sex as the main reason for maintaining these relationships. However, men were much more likely (72%) than women (56%) to say that sex was their primary motivation. And women (37%) were more likely than men (25%) to state that they primarily needed an emotional connection with another person. Most women (69%) wanted their friends with benefits arrangement to turn into something else, whether it be a romantic relationship, traditional friendship, or even a breakup. Most men (60%) wished for their casual relationships to remain that way.
Where the Difficulties Arise
Partly because partners’ desires do not match, friends with benefits often turns into a problem. However, the reason may also lie in a lack of communication—both in and out of bed. Most people can’t manage to limit the relationship with any clear rules. Therefore, it becomes all too easy to unintentionally hurt a partner's feelings.
Casual couples talk about intimacy not as often as one might think.
In 2014, researchers compared the patterns of discussing sexual topics among 190 people in casual relationships and 186 people in traditional romantic relationships. It turned out that the former discuss their sexual needs and desires less frequently, talk less about sexually transmitted diseases and means of preventing pregnancy. The only area where the former surpassed the latter was in conversations about sex with their previous partners.
Why do people who have friends with benefits talk so little about it? Partly this may be related to the fact that many such couples always consume alcohol when meeting. While alcohol breaks down sexual barriers, it can also affect communication and lead to less thoughtful decisions. However, some simply think that communication creates excessive closeness, and setting rules and boundaries complicates everything.
Disadvantages of Friends with Benefits
Researchers have found that sex in friends with benefits relationships is practically no different from sex in romantic relationships. However, people in casual relationships have less intimate connection and are less satisfied with it. On average, they are quite happy with their sex, though less than those in romantic relationships.
Less satisfaction with intimacy is related to the fact that partners in casual relationships hardly talk about sex.
If you don’t express what you like more in bed, then the likelihood of getting maximum pleasure and reaching orgasm is lower.
Another reason is that condoms are used more frequently in friends with benefits relationships, which makes many experience less pleasure. Finally, the more often you have sex with the same person, the better you get to know their preferences. This is also an important factor that affects pleasure in bed.
What Happens to Casual Relationships in the Long Term
According to a survey of students who had friends with benefits, casual relationships end in different ways. 28.3% of respondents said their relationships did not change, 35.8% stopped being intimate and remained friends, 9.8% said friends with benefits evolved into a romantic relationship, and 25.9% said their relationship ended completely.
About half of respondents from another similar study stated that their friendship with their partner came to an end or that they drifted apart. The other half either remained the same or became stronger.
Is There a Secret to Successful Casual Relationships
First of all, it's important to understand that friends with benefits is not suitable for everyone: all people are different, and some find it easier to draw a line between sexual connection and romantic relationships. For example, people with restricted sociosexual orientation feel uncomfortable having sex until they establish an emotional bond with a partner. And people with unrestricted sociosexual orientation believe that sex and love do not necessarily need to go hand in hand.
People of the second type are less likely to develop feelings for their partner. They find it easier to stay friends after sexual relationships end. So, first, determine which group you belong to.
Secondly, people in casual relationships often show a clear lack of communication. Many don’t even set basic rules, and there are frequent disagreements about what friends with benefits entails. Therefore, it is important to talk openly to each other: this will make the relationship more comfortable and prevent harm to the partner. It is also important to discuss contraception since it is unlikely that your friend is only having sex with you.
Finally, some want to maintain casual relationships as long as possible, while for others, they are a temporary measure. If you belong to the second group, consider suggesting a time limit for your “friendship,” especially if you fear that they will develop feelings for you.
