You are in a relationship, but at one point sex disappeared, despite your partner being right there. It's cruel and unfair, but it happens. The main rule is — think less, clarify more.
Reflect on the situation
Sometimes the temporary absence of sex is not a sudden difficulty, but a logical consequence of what is happening. For example, you recently had a baby, and now neither of you is in the mood for sex, just trying to get some sleep. Or you both are going through significant stress.
If the amount of sex has decreased and no one is in the mood for it right now, nothing terrible is happening. You just need to wait until this period ends. However, if there is a desire (at least for you), but no sex, you need to acknowledge: you have a problem that needs to be addressed.
Talk
People often make assumptions but do not talk to their partner. This is understandable: conversations about sex are uncomfortable for many couples. But conversation is powerful. It helps to know for sure what the problem is.
If a conversation is necessary, follow two rules. First: speak only from "I" statements, avoiding blaming your partner. Second: talk about your feelings.
Instead of saying: “You do not satisfy me” or “You are a bad lover” (blame), share your state with your partner: “I feel unsatisfied,” “I really want sex!” or more modestly: “I miss your caresses.” And add a suggestion on how to deal with it: “Shall we talk about this?”.
“Don’t hesitate to recall some dizzying sex from the past: ‘Like back then, remember? You drove me just crazy.’ This will allow your partner to hear your needs, feel needed and desired. A dialogue suggestion will give them a chance to express themselves as well. In furthering the conversation, follow these rules, even if your partner behaves differently,” advises the psychologist.
You can give your partner time to prepare and ask when it would be convenient for them to talk. If in response to the question “What’s going on?” you hear only “Nothing” — that is not a conversation. You need to insist on an expanded answer. If your partner is avoiding the topic, explain that you are determined to talk and clarify everything, even if it means overcoming discomfort. It is also important to try to be as sincere and open as possible. Hiding and not fully disclosing is a failed strategy for such conversations.
Remember the basic rules for such conversations:
- Use "I" statements.
- Talk about your feelings and experiences.
- Do not rush to conclusions.
- Be delicate.
The process of exchanging emotions and worries can be healing in itself. The main thing is to start.
Do not blame yourself
The absence of sex in a couple is an unspoken agreement accepted by both parties. So I suggest you not to torment yourself with guilt, because when we want to atone for it, we do more for our partner than necessary, often making concessions, and your partner ends up benefitting double: they not only avoid intimacy but also gain additional bonuses for it. Deep down, you understand the unfairness of this situation and accumulate irritation. So guilt is not a helper.
Sexual desire is flexible and mobile, influenced by various factors: from hormonal levels to work stress. And it is not a fact that the problem is with you. So there is no need to look for someone to blame. You need to decide what to do.
Find the reason
Sexuality expert Emily Nagoski points out that a person's sexual desire is governed by the brain through a simple "gas-brake" system.
The brain has a gas pedal that responds to sexually stimulating factors: everything we hear, see, smell, taste, touch, imagine — and what our brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal.
The brain also has a brake that responds to possible threats: again, everything we hear, see, smell, taste, touch, imagine — and what our brain has learned to interpret as a reason to suppress arousal.
There is no sudden loss of sexual attraction without some reason. It can be anything:
- health problems;
- reaction to medication;
- depression;
- grief;
- pregnancy or childbirth;
- insecurity in oneself and one's body;
- chronic work stress;
- financial problems.
Or maybe your partner is just tired of taking the initiative themselves and is waiting for you to take it. In other words, there can be many options.
Think about possible changes
The main task is to remove the factors that hinder attraction. Think about what you as a partner can do to change the situation.
Emily Nagoski notes how contextual the stimuli are that prompt people to feel (or not feel) sexual desire when the problem lies in the absence of emotional connection and support.
Imagine that you are watching your partner load the washing machine. If in this relationship you feel support and emotional connection, then this sight may evoke erotic thoughts.
But if you are dissatisfied that, say, you have had to do most of the laundry lately, you might just think: “Finally!” — and no sexual fantasies.
If the problem lies somewhere in the spectrum of team interaction, you can't leave everything as it is and wait for sex to return as a matter of course. It's worth showing more care and involvement in your partner's life: greet them after work and talk about how their day went, share household tasks, go together to see a new movie they've wanted to watch for a long time. Sometimes even a timely cup of tea can be a significant gesture of support.
Be patient
In one case, simply changing oral contraceptives that suppressed libido can bring back desire. In another, it will take time, new emotions, and a redistribution of responsibilities. Desire may not come right away. All you need to do is wait and be open to sex.
Stop worrying about the instability of the sexual schedule
Always having the same amount of sex in a couple is almost an unrealistic situation for living people. A person is not a sex machine; a lot happens in life that affects intimacy. And that is normal.
If a couple has not had sex for some time — it does not mean that it will always be like this. Anyone can experience stress, autumn blues, or poorly chosen antidepressants.
The idea that there is more sex in open relationships, while sex dies in marriages — is merely one of the myths. Sexual activity fluctuates Dr. Justin Lehmiller. Summer Lovin’: Research Finds That We Have More Sex In The Summer / Sex & Psychology even within a year, increasing in summer and decreasing in winter with a spike during the New Year holidays, let alone over a longer period.
Relationships do not provide unlimited access to a partner's body. Sexual life is a matter of consent, agreements, and individual preferences. If you both want to continue the relationship and have sex, view the temporary absence of intimacy as a quest where you are one team and must undergo the challenge together.
