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1. Have your own interests
“The happiest couples in my practice say that they have a dynamic joint life and an active personal life, — said Andrea Syrtash, a relationship consultant and author. — I think when you come home and can share what you’ve done, what you’ve learned, it enriches the relationship.”
Your partner's successes inspire admiration, and while you're busy with your own things, you have time to miss each other. So don't forget about your own hobbies: they are needed for self-expression.
2. But also spend time on shared activities
“It is hard to tune into each other in bed if the connection isn’t maintained at other times, — Syrtash continues. — You don’t have to spend every minute together, but you should remember that your partner comes first.”
A great way to strengthen the connection is to exercise together. During physical activity, endorphins — neurochemical substances that give a feeling of happiness — are released. Moreover, according to research, couples who overcome something difficult together or do something exciting feel A. Aron, C. C. Norman, et al. Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology a closer bond and feel more in love.
3. Put away gadgets during conversations
You can surely recall a couple of (or even more) instances when your partner was not paying attention to you, scrolling through Instagram or replying to messages. To maintain intimacy, you need to set digital boundaries.
Just sitting next to each other, each with their own phone, does not mean you are spending quality time together. Agree to put away smartphones and other devices when you are on a date or relaxing together at home.
4. Discuss sex time in advance
“I call this ‘Plan to be spontaneous’, — says Syrtash. — It means something different for everyone.” Many think that putting “sex on Saturdays” in the calendar will only cool things down. But if you are constantly busy with work and other things, it’s a good way. Because when overwhelmed with responsibilities, sex time won’t show up by itself.
Look at your schedules and choose a suitable option for both of you. You don’t have to necessarily plan the process — the main thing is that by setting aside time for it, you show your partner how important it is to you. And if the opportunity arises earlier, nothing stops you from engaging in spontaneous sex.
5. Try to make life easier for your partner
Couples who are willing to give up some of their own comforts to help their partner report A. Muise, E. A. Impett, et al. Keeping the spark alive: Being motivated to meet a partner’s sexual needs sustains sexual desire in long-term romantic relationships / Social Psychological and Personality Science a higher level of happiness in the relationship. For example, now you spend half an hour commuting to work, but are willing to move farther and spend a bit more time so your partner doesn’t have to spend an hour on the road.
At the same time, it’s important not to keep score of who did what for whom or maintain a mental scoreboard. This especially applies to sex. If you are both willing to sometimes give more than you receive, you are more likely to be satisfied with your sex life.
6. Tackle household problems as a team
Intimacy doesn’t start in the bedroom. “Regular communication is like glue for relationships, especially for women,” notes Syrtash. In many couples, “teamwork” outside the bedroom affects what happens in that very bedroom. Staying connected throughout the day, offering emotional support, respecting each other, even sharing household duties — all of this helps both strengthen intimacy and set the mood for sex.
7. Try new things
This is the most obvious advice: experiment with time, place, positions, and scenarios. Stop always going down the same well-trodden path. Moreover, you don’t have to immediately move to something extreme. If one of you always takes the lead, try switching roles.
According to Esther Perel. The secret to desire in a long-term relationship / TED Talks Esther Perel — a psychologist who works with couples — both men and women need experiments, novelty, mystery, danger, the unfamiliar, and the unexpected. This is one of the secret elements of desire.
8. Remind your partner about sex throughout the day
In her TED Talk, Perel also notes that “foreplay essentially begins right after the previous orgasm.” This means that any little things you do throughout the day can influence your desire to have sex with your partner. So don’t forget to create the right mood for each other. Some find that wearing beautiful lingerie throughout the day helps. Someone does morning stretching in front of their partner so that they think about it all day. Find what works for you.
