Accepting your own fantasies can be very beneficial — to better understand yourself and get closer to your loved one.
In my work, I regularly encounter the shame that people's sexual fantasies induce. It is understandable: most of us grew up with the idea that sex is quite a shameful matter in itself, and when it goes beyond vaginal (for some, the boundaries expand to manual, oral, anal) sex, it is just terrifying.
At the same time, people consume an enormous amount of porn, including hardcore. And the gap between the reality (where it’s shameful to even discuss sex, let alone talk about fantasies) and this world of sophisticated fantasies can make a person feel wrong and very lonely.
What to do if your own fantasies scare you? Here are alternative perspectives on sexual fantasies that will help turn them from enemies into friends.
Why fantasies are normal and beneficial
Fantasies are part of your individual experience
The peculiarities of your psychological journey leave traces in the realm of fantasies. A random coincidence of spontaneous sexual arousal and a particular situation can lead to the formation of sexual desire.
I'll start with something quite innocent. I often encounter a similar story with acquaintances and clients: arousal occurred when an emotionally significant partner did something not sexual in itself (during dishwashing, they approached from behind and hugged, kissed the hand in a special way, recited poetry, and so on), and after that, the action became a trigger for arousal. For example, reading poetry aloud by men or even anyone with a pleasant voice can evoke excitement.
Here’s a more sophisticated example from my American acquaintance. At about 17, he found himself in an interesting situation: he offered a girl he was in love with a ride. She agreed. And he was already full of secret hopes and desires. Then she saw another guy (who apparently liked her), chatted with him, and asked my acquaintance to give him a ride too. He agreed, finding himself incapable of saying no. He described this situation as filled with contradictory feelings: a mixture of desire, humiliation, and shame. Since then, fantasies about being a "cuckold husband," playing out similar situations, have become an important (though not the only) part of his sexual life.
When we met, he wanted us to be in a romantic relationship, but at the same time, I had other romantic and sexual connections that he hoped to be updated on. As a one-time game, it was quite fun, but as a lifestyle, it didn’t suit me.
Fantasies are a way to better understand yourself
Try to regard fantasies as material for self-discovery. Fantasies are often a way for our psyche to communicate unfulfilled desires or unexperienced emotions. Often, this is in allegorical form.
This thesis is well illustrated by the BDSM subculture. Good BDSM games are a controlled and relatively safe playground where one can express their shadow sides — those that the consciousness is very reluctant to accept.
What do you not allow yourself to manifest in everyday life? The desire to punish or be punished? To let go of control or finally gain it? Perhaps you repeatedly strive for a painful, shameful, and humiliating situation from your past?
During my exploration of this sphere, I researched many of these facets myself. Allowing myself to feel anger, shame, giving up control, and acting as I truly want — evoking shame — at different periods of my experiments, my fantasies were an excellent source of information about those corners of the soul that are not always accessible in other ways.
And what if the fantasies are particularly cruel or directed toward those who are taboo — close relatives, children, animals? No matter how frightening this is, all of this is also material suitable for self-exploration.
Your fantasies do not make you a monster. Their realization does.
Behind cruel sadistic fantasies often lies unfulfilled aggression either in the past or present, and behind dysfunctional fantasy objects — the desire to dominate over someone weaker. Someone who cannot resist. And don't forget that the very fact of deep taboo-ness of these subjects gives a great emotional charge that nourishes these fantasies.
What to do? Ideally — talk about it with a therapist or sexologist. But this is also a complicated story, as in Russia, there are catastrophically few sex-positive specialists with the appropriate training. You can also use fantasies for masturbation or sex with a suitable partner (an adult, capable person). You can "play" in an exciting situation where the partner or you "become" a relative, a child, an animal. In the BDSM subculture, there are special categories for such games like age play, pet play, and so on.
Here’s another personal example: in sexual experiences with my favorite men and girlfriends, I repeatedly tried to relive and rewrite the painful experience when at 6 years old my parents left me at a summer camp, where I felt very bad. And I placed myself in situations where I could feel again how my loved ones were now together, better off without me, that I was not needed by them. This was the last vivid fantasy that exhausted itself in May when I managed to "rewrite" the situation and talk to my parents about my old grievances. That’s it, I don’t feel drawn back there anymore.
Following internal changes, fantasies can also change. Some exhaust themselves and disappear, others arise, and some increase and gain new details.
In my case, the consistent exploration and acceptance of fantasies (read — different shadow sides of the psyche) led to me living without fantasies now. Any sexual desires are born in me at the moment of real contact with a specific person. But this is my experience. The main thing is that you and your partners feel good.
Fantasies are a way to (re)discover each other
Familiar therapists say that relationships often fall apart because people never tell each other what they actually want or do not want. This also applies to sexuality. The fear of entrusting your fantasies to your partner is quite justified: most often, one can encounter the most varied reactions: from neutral to fear and disgust. How to talk about such things is another question that is beyond the scope of this article.
I often give couples assignments in which they need to compile their lists of sexual fantasies and desires, and then present them for discussion with me. The magical process occurs when apparent mismatches of desires reveal points of intersection, which can be approached creatively, creating a common field for experimentation.
How to deal with the fear that fantasies will only intensify
Here, against the background of unicorns and rainbows, a rebuttal may arise: what if allowing oneself to follow fantasies leads to wanting more and more sophisticated ones! How to stop?
I have the following answer from practice.
Accepting your fantasies does not equal their realization
First of all, realizing and accepting fantasies does not necessarily lead to their realization. This material itself is excellent fuel for igniting passion.
A couple of my acquaintances engaged in quite regular sex, only they created entire alternative worlds in words, where they engaged in this sex. In the world of fantasies, they could be animals or aliens, live in different countries and eras, and reenact beloved literary and movie plots. In their case, no reality could compete with fantasy.
Of course, if your fantasies become obsessive, interfere with your ability to live and communicate normally, this is a reason to consult a sexologist or psychiatrist.
Some fantasies are impossible or difficult to fulfill. For example, I had a fantasy about a gentle massage gangbang. This is when 4-6 wonderful sensual men under the guidance of my beloved give me a full body massage that flows into a tender orgy. You understand how many limitations are involved here, right? Honestly, I even had a partner in the USA who was ready to give this to me as a birthday gift, but for some personal reasons, I didn’t return to the USA for the gift (or at all). I had a lighter version of this game two years ago with two men, and it was wonderful. And now this fantasy no longer excites me.
The mere ability to freely share fantasies creates intimacy and acceptance, which are often exactly what is needed the most. To know that “I am good, correct, everything is fine with me, I am accepted and loved just as I am.”
Self-knowledge reduces the attraction to the "forbidden"
Secondly, if the process of accepting one’s shadow sides occurs alongside the realization of fantasies in the spirit of “yes, this is me too, and this is wonderful,” the power of fantasies weakens; they can become less and less attractive. The more fully a person accepts themselves in various manifestations, the more they allow themselves to be themselves, the less “forbidden” remains — that which easily transforms into fantasies, including sexual ones. In my life (at least at this stage), it turned out just like that.
In general, explore your fantasies, learn to accept them, and if you wish, share them with your loved ones — and may you feel good and interesting.
