Tips for those who doubt the sincerity of their partner.
If a woman fakes an orgasm, it means she loves you. Or she is afraid of upsetting you. Or she feels uncomfortable being rude. Perhaps she simply cannot achieve orgasm and finds it awkward to admit it. There are countless possibilities. But if you are an active and mature person, you surely want sex to bring joy not only to you but also to your partner. Here is what you should know to achieve this.
How many women fake orgasm
A lot. Several studies conducted from 1986 to 2010 showedThe Faking Orgasm Scale for Women: Psychometric Properties, that 50 to 67% of women fake orgasm.
According to Ph.D. Erin Cooper, an important role here is played by the common societal idea that the visibility of female orgasm enhances male pleasure.
Erin Cooper, Ph.D.It's not surprising that women may feel the need to "play" during sex and demonstratively achieve orgasm.
Despite the fact that many have faced the issue of faking orgasm in one form or another, the topic has been poorly studied. Therefore, Cooper focused on the reasons for simulation.
Why do women fake orgasm
There are generally four goals:
- Protect the partner’s feelings.
- End the sex.
- Avoid negative experiences regarding one's own sexuality.
- Increase one's own arousal.
Cooper notes that these factors can be divided into two groups: those that help avoid certain aspects of sex (2, 3) and those aimed at making sex more vivid, boosting oneself or the partner (1, 4).
By the way, men also fake orgasm for these reasons. About a quarter of men, according to a studyNot all fakes are created equal: examining the relationships between men’s motives for pretending orgasm and levels of sexual desire, and relationship and sexual satisfaction by Canadian scientists, also sometimes pretend. Hiding the absence of ejaculation is easier with a condom.
What to do if doubts creep in
Don't pressure or make accusations
Strictly questioning whether your partner is faking is pointless. You can never know for sure, and you must come to terms with that. A reliable answer can only be obtained if having sex under laboratory conditions — then it will show on the cardiogram (and yes, such studiesMary Roach. "Sex for Science. Science for Sex"have been conducted). Your only power is to create an atmosphere of trust in which the partner will not be afraid to tell you the truth or ask for something.
Don’t waste time on conspiracy theories, just talk.
Communicate and discuss details
Ask what your partner enjoys most in your practices. If this is difficult and uncomfortable, then the idea that you really care about your partner's pleasure will need to be cultivated within yourself. Yes, it will take time, but there’s no other way.
If your partner already feels the need to fake, it means she faces some issue. It is natural to care for her and offer support. Indicate that her pleasure is important to you. And that if there’s something she doesn’t like, feels uncomfortable about, or is missing, she can freely express it. Learn about her sensations: what turns her on especially and what else you can do. This will elevate not only her mood but also your skills as a lover.
How to help a woman experience genuine pleasure
Find the clitoris
The forgotten clitoris is the reason for most missed orgasms. It so happens that many have an idea only of a certain basic type of sex that is supposed to bring pleasure to the couple — vaginal (penetrative). This is when partners achieve pleasure by rubbing the penis against the inner walls of the vagina.
But while for men this type of sex often ends in orgasm because their most sensitive part — the head of the penis, for women the situation is the opposite. No more than 20% of them canWomen’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94 achieve orgasm this way.
The answer is simple: the main center of sexual pleasure for them — the clitoris. And it is hardly engaged in penetrative sex (for example, in the missionary position).
The ability to achieve orgasm for those who happen to fall into this 20% getting pleasure only from penetrations is determined by anatomical features. Their clitoris is located closer to the vaginal entrance and is stimulated indirectly. To understand how statistically significant the clitoris is in female orgasm, we note: 80–90%Characteristics of vibrator use among women of women, using a vibrator, typically masturbate without vaginal penetration.
Additional clitoral stimulation can resolve many issues. It's easy to do: beforehand or during sex, using your hands or a vibrator. It's important to consider that clitoral sensitivity varies among women. For some, gentle touches may provide ecstatic pleasure, while for others, vigorous rubbing is necessary. Listen to your partner's reactions and openly ask for hints.
Give compliments. Many compliments
Psychological factors are closely linked to faking orgasm. Women who cannot get pleasure from vaginal penetration often worry about their sexuality. Additionally, most people remain captive to notions of "normal" and "correct" orgasms.
Educate yourself and dispel her fears. Compliments will help your partner accept her body and feel her unique sexuality.
Compliments can also help with another phenomenon on the way to a genuine orgasm. Researchers call it spectatoring — the worry about how we look during sex. Concerns like "Do I look silly?", "Does my breast bounce too strangely?", "Am I making terrible sounds?" are natural to have, but often they can completely mute pleasure. Your pleasant comments and admiration will counteract the effect of spectatoring and help bring your partner to a bright orgasm.
Learn how women get aroused
The main enemies of female orgasm — psychological tension and expectation. Now that you understand this principle, it will be much easier for you to approach orgasm in your couple.
Doctor of psychology and author of the book "What Women Want" Emily Nagoski states that if orgasm is unattainable, one should simply let go of the situation and stop waiting for it. To do so, it’s essential to accept one crucial thought: sex should always be pleasurable but does not necessarily have to end in orgasm. Share this with your partner. The very release from expectations can play a significant role for her on the path to bright sexual pleasure. The ability to experience it sometimes needs to be developed: listening to one’s sensations and allowing oneself the freedom to explore them.
There is not only a correct way to have sex but also a correct orgasm. They are all different and unique every time.
Classifying orgasms as vaginal or clitoral, strong or weak, spontaneous or forced is incorrect. First of all, it fosters a light hysteria around the topic, making us think of sexual pleasure as right or wrong, preferred or marginal. The only thing that truly unites all orgasms — is the sudden release of sexual tension. That's all.
The main way to deal with the difficulties of orgasm is to make pleasure your goal, not orgasm.
What’s the conclusion
If a woman fakes orgasm, it can mean anything. There’s no point in guessing and searching for flaws within yourself, but developing the skills of a more caring and sensual lover is definitely worth it. Both will benefit from this. Explore the female body, search for what specific touches bring the most intense pleasure. And definitely talk to your partner, ask for hints, and share your impressions. All tools are in your hands:
- Communicate to indicate that a woman's pleasure is a priority for you.
- Give compliments to help your partner relax.
- Try new things and ask your partner’s opinion. This will help find the most effective and pleasurable touches.
