In the 21st century, people are planting robots on asteroids, but we still have a hard time talking about sex, shy away from our desires, and discuss female orgasm as if it were a unicorn: we've heard of it, but how it actually looks — no one knows. And was there ever a unicorn?
All this is not surprising. Human sexuality has long been tabooed. Female — especially. The stereotypes and taboos ingrained in our culture centuries ago are still here, acquiring more modern counterparts and ruining the lives of healthy, sexually active girls.
Not active enough — frigid. Too active — slut. Finish vaginally. Finish quickly. Always be ready. But don't push. Be active. Be submissive. Dress seductively. But not like a slut.
Instructions on where this line is, which demands are justified, and how to combine all the expectations of the boyfriend, society, mom, friends, and ourselves are not provided at birth or upon reaching puberty.
Is it any wonder that many girls (and quite mature women too) are shy about genuine expressions of their sexuality? Many do not even suspect that these expressions exist in them — they are buried so deeply. Of course, there are simply people with very low libido. This is not about them. This is about ladies who want sex, love sex, but when it comes to it — they freeze or pretend to be an "Oscar" winner for the role of an ice statue.
The phrase "don’t be a log," accompanied by a refreshing slap, is a poor motivator.
Let’s talk about good ones.
Don’t write off trauma
It's one thing when a girl is slightly uptight. It's another if in the past she experienced a significant trauma that affected her sexuality. It doesn’t have to be rape, though that cannot be ruled out either.
The victim stigma and the attraction called "it's your fault" — are the plague of our culture, and victims often do not confess to even their loved ones.
Maybe she had an unsuccessful first (or second, or last before you) experience. Former partners who systematically disregarded her desires or worse — shamed her for them, devalued them. And she closed up to avoid the pain of rejection.
You can initiate a conversation about this only if you are close and confident in your ability to comfort the girl after and during such a conversation. Start gently, so that the words do not sound like reproach or accusation from any angle, for example:
I feel like it's not easy for you to open up with me in bed. I don’t know how your previous partners treated you, but I love you, and it’s important to me that you feel good with me. Let’s talk about it because I don’t want to accidentally hurt you.
Then see how it goes. If the trauma is indeed present, there may be tears. A lot of tears. Or she may tighten up even more, and you will have to gently coax her out of that pit with tenderness and kindness. Over and over again.
But if you love the girl, it’s worth it. She may not become a promiscuous, shame-free sex bomb, but over time, there will be progress.
Bring her to the boiling point
Now for the pleasant part. If we’re talking about simple shyness, maybe you’re rushing too much.
In the sine wave of desire, there comes a moment when even fairly shy people stop caring. If the flesh is burning, standing and shuffling isn’t as much fun anymore.
Drive her crazy — with kisses, hands, words, tongue. Just don’t perceive this as slave labor or a necessary evil that you have to undertake to finally get to the delicious part: the girl also wasn’t born yesterday and will sense that you are here "under duress".
Enjoy every caress, every touch. Catch her moans, drink them in, watch how and what she reacts to. If you know how to listen to a woman and genuinely engage in the process, at some point she will tear off the remnants of your clothing herself.
Ensure a suitable environment
You don’t need to set up a million candles, scatter rose petals on the bed, and play I will always love you on repeat. I’m talking about basic comfort for intimacy, which consists of three components:
- Seclusion.
- Comfort.
- Mood.
Seclusion means you are alone in the apartment and no one will disturb you. There is a non-illusory chance that the girl is uptight because your younger brother is sleeping just behind a thin wall, for instance, and she fears to traumatize his fragile psyche with her moans of ecstasy. Replace the brother with grandma, parents, a roommate — the essence is the same. Even if you are indifferent to such neighbors and you are sure they don’t care, their feelings (like yours) in this matter do not play a role. Comfort must include the partner.
Comfort means a normal surface for sex (no exotic, a bed is just right), cleanliness and coziness. Mess distracts, especially if the girl is a neat freak, and the smell of two-day-old pizza doesn’t work as an aphrodisiac. All necessary items like condoms or towels should be handy.
The mood aspect, I think, is clear. If one or both participants are tired, irritated, or don’t want to do anything today, having sex is, of course, possible, but it will take an disproportionate amount of effort for the result. Solemn sex — do you need that?
Give her full control
This technique sometimes works: when the shy girl suddenly realizes that all the power is in her delicate hands, she blossoms. Lie down on the bed and say:
Do whatever you want with me.
It’s unlikely she will try anything truly depraved, so discussing your taboos in advance probably won’t be necessary. If something does come up, don’t jerk away. Just say you’re not ready for that yet.
Use gadgets
Suppose you’ve tried talking to the girl about what she likes in sex, but as soon as the conversation moves in a dangerous direction, she instantly clenches her teeth.
An alternative approach is to communicate by text. Through Skype or SMS, many things (dirty stuff — not the least among them) are easier to express. Try to flirt with the girl this way throughout the day. Start by telling her what you want to do with her, how you want to satisfy her, and ask for feedback.
Do you like that?
Want to try it that way?
Once the contact is established, ask what she wants to do with you. If there are successes in the text world, they can be gently transferred to live communication.
Use gadgets
Does the girl have a favorite vibrator? Ask her to bring a toy to bed. If not — buy one as a gift or give her a coupon to a sex shop so she can choose what she likes and feels comfortable with.
If she’s not ready to use toys in sex with you yet, let her buy one and practice solo anyway. Masturbation is often the key to unlocking a woman’s repressed sexuality, as it helps her get to know her body better: what she likes, what she doesn’t like, what orgasms she experiences and how they feel. Many girls thought they didn’t experience orgasms until they picked up a suitable vibrator.
Don’t praise — admire
When you see some successes of the girl, let’s say she has stopped holding back her moans or has taken the initiative in her hands when she hadn’t before — there may be a temptation to praise her. This is, of course, nice, but there’s an even better option. Admire! Now I will show you the difference.
Praised:
It’s great that you’re not holding back your moans.
You’re doing well for agreeing to do this in the light.
Admired:
When you moan, it drives me crazy.
I love watching you, seeing all of you.
That’s why admiration is better.
Firstly, praise often focuses on the negative and contains an evaluation: "You did well that you..." And does it mean that earlier you didn’t do well?
This puts you in the so-called parental position because we receive our first praise from mom and dad. "Good job for getting an A." Tell a child this enough times, and they may get the impression that if they stop being an honor student, they will no longer be loved.
It’s the same here. Today the girl managed not to hold back her moans, but tomorrow she may not. Let her know that in that case, you will want and love her just as much.
Secondly, admiration is easier to accept than praise. Shyness is often a symptom of other issues, such as low self-esteem. And for insecure people, telling themselves "I did well" and believing it can be very difficult.
And third, praise emphasizes her, while admiration emphasizes you and your perception. What’s good about that? Shy people don’t like when they are, figuratively speaking, under the spotlight. By shifting the focus, you allow your partner to enjoy your admiration in a comfortable "darkness," from which she will emerge when she wants.
Ignore failures
This should be remarked separately as a continuation of the previous point. If the girl can’t do something (takes a long time to climax, is shy to undress completely — doesn’t matter) and she really matters to you, under no circumstances emphasize this. There is no stronger anti-aphrodisiac than the feeling that there’s "something wrong" with you — I’m sure you’ve encountered something similar, if not in sex, then in something else.
Believe me, she knows she can’t climax for a long time. There can be many reasons for it (as well as for any other situation), and you will create yet another one if you shine that spotlight from before on it.
Tired of doing something (cunnilingus, for example)? Just say so, dear, I need a break, and do something else. Caress her with your hand, kiss, or just lie together and chat.
If she doesn’t want to undress completely — light some candles, say she will look stunning in stockings and lingerie. Have sex with her dressed, after all. There’s a certain charm in hastily unbuttoned and half-removed clothing.
With this approach, you will be setting a positive tone yourself and relieve the girl of the pressure.
★ Bonus ★ How to help a guy relax
Men can also be shy and uptight, and much more often than you think. Sorry if I broke someone’s stereotype.
They may be afraid to open up, to trust, may feel shy about their appearance (less often), their desires (more often). Their emotions, finally. Especially if they are "unmanly" emotions (i.e., everything except anger).
The techniques described above to some extent apply to men as well, especially the last two points. Admiration and patience open people up, show that they are wanted, accepted. That they are safe. That they won’t be rejected.
I think we all lack this.
