All of this is not surprising. Human sexuality has long been forbidden. Female sexuality — especially. Stereotypes and taboos ingrained in our culture many centuries ago have not gone anywhere, have acquired more modern counterparts and ruin the lives of healthy, sexually active girls.
Not active enough — frigid. Too active — a slut. Finish vaginally. Finish quickly. Always be ready. But don't push. Be active. Be submissive. Dress seductively. But not like a slut.
Instructions on where this line is, which of the demands are justified, and how to combine all the expectations of the boyfriend, society, mom, friends, ourselves, are not delivered either at birth or upon reaching puberty.
Is it any wonder that many girls (and quite mature women too) are embarrassed by sincere expressions of their sexuality? Many don't even suspect that they have these expressions — they are buried so deep. Of course, there are simply people with very weak libido. This is not about them. It's about ladies who want sex, love sex, but when it comes to the point — they freeze or deserve an Oscar for the role of an ice statue.
The phrase “don’t be a log”, accompanied by a refreshing slap, is a poor motivator.
Let's talk about the good.
Don't disregard trauma
It's one thing when a girl is slightly inhibited. It's another if in the past she experienced a severe trauma that affected her sexuality. It doesn't necessarily have to be rape, although that can't be excluded either.
The victim stigma and the attraction called “you're to blame” — is a plague of our culture, and victims often do not confess even to loved ones.
Maybe she had an unsuccessful first (or second, or last before you) experience. Former partners who systematically did not take her desires into account or worse — shamed her for them, devalued her. And she closed herself off to avoid the pain of rejection.
Starting a conversation about this is only possible if you are close and confident in your ability to comfort the girl afterwards and during such a conversation. Start gently, so that the words in no way sound like reproach or accusation, for example:
I feel that it’s hard for you to open up with me in bed. I don’t know how your previous partners treated you, but I love you, and it’s important to me that you feel good with me. Let’s talk about this, because I don’t want to unintentionally hurt you.
Then see how it goes. If the trauma is indeed present, there may be tears. A lot of tears. Or she may close up even more, and it will take tenderness and kindness to pull her out of that pit. Again and again.
But if you love the girl, it’s worth it. She may not become a lewd, shameless sex bomb, but over time, there will be progress.
Bring her to the boiling point
Now for the pleasant part. If we’re talking about simple shyness, maybe you are rushing.
In the sine wave of desire, there comes a moment when even quite shy people no longer care. If the flesh is burning, standing and shuffling a foot is no longer so much fun.
Drive her crazy — with kisses, hands, words, tongue. Just don't perceive this as slave labor or a necessary evil to finally reach the pleasant part: the girl wasn't born yesterday and will understand if you're doing it “under duress.”
Enjoy every caress, every touch. Catch her moans, savor them, watch how and what she reacts to. If you know how to listen to a woman and genuinely engage in the process, at some point, she will herself tear off the remainder of your clothes.
Ensure the right environment
You don’t need to set up a million candles, scatter rose petals on the bed, and play I will always love you on repeat. I’m talking about basic comfort for intimacy, which consists of three components:
- Privacy.
- Comfort.
- Setting.
Privacy means that you are alone in the apartment and nobody will disturb you. There is a real chance that the girl is inhibited because behind a thin wall, for example, your younger brother is sleeping and she is afraid of traumatizing his fragile psyche with her ecstasy screams. Replace the brother with a grandmother, parents, a roommate — the essence is the same. Even if such neighboring sounds do not bother you and you are sure they don’t care, their feelings (just like yours) do not play a role in this matter. The partner must also feel comfortable.
Comfort is a normal surface for sex (no exotic options, a bed is just right), cleanliness and coziness. A mess is distracting, especially if the girl is a neat freak, and the smell of two-day-old pizza isn’t working as an aphrodisiac. All necessary items like condoms or towels should be ready.
I think the setting is clear. If one or both participants are tired, irritated, or don’t want anything today, of course, you can have sex, but it will take an unjustifiable amount of effort for the outcome. Is sex through “I can’t” really what you want?
Give her complete control
This technique sometimes works: when the shy one suddenly realizes that all the power is in her fragile hands, she blossoms. Lie on the bed and say:
Do whatever you want with me.
She is unlikely to try anything truly lewd, so discussing your taboos in advance probably won’t be necessary. If something does happen, don’t flinch. Just say that you're not ready for that yet.
Use gadgets
Let’s say you tried to talk to the girl about what she likes in sex, but as soon as the conversation goes in a dangerous direction, she instantly clenches her teeth.
An alternative route is to communicate via text. Through Skype or SMS, it’s easier to say many things (dirty talk — not least). Try to flirt with the girl like this throughout the day. Start by telling her what you want to do with her, how you want to satisfy her, and ask for feedback.
Do you like it this way?
Do you want to try it this way?
Once the contact is established, ask what she wants to do with you. If there are successes in the text world, they can be gently transferred into live communication.
Use gadgets
Does the girl have a favorite vibrator? Ask her to bring the toy to bed. If not — buy a gift or give a gift certificate to a sex shop so she can choose what she likes and fits her body.
If she’s not ready to use toys in sex with you yet, let her buy one and practice solo anyway. Masturbation is often the key to a woman's locked sexuality because it helps her learn about her body better: what she likes, what she doesn’t like, what kinds of orgasms she has and how they feel. Many girls thought they didn’t experience orgasms until they got their hands on the right vibrator.
Don't praise — admire
When you see some successes from the girl, say, she stopped holding back her moans or took the initiative in her hands when she didn’t do it before — there can be a temptation to praise her. This is, of course, good, but there’s an even better option. Admire! I will now show the difference.
Praised:
It’s great that you’re not holding back your moans.
You did well for agreeing to do this in the light.
Admired:
When you moan, it drives me wild.
I love looking at you, seeing you completely.
That’s why admiring is better.
First of all, praise often emphasizes the negative by its very formulation and contains an evaluation: “You did well for…” And previously, was she not doing well?
This puts you in a so-called parental position because we receive our first praise from mom and dad. “Good job for getting an A.” Say this to a child enough times, and they might get the impression that if they stop being excellent, they won't be loved anymore.
It’s the same here. Today the girl succeeded in not holding back her moans, but tomorrow it may not happen. Let her know that in this case, you will want and love her just as much.
Secondly, admiration is easier to accept than praise. Shyness is often a symptom of other issues, such as insecurity. And for insecure people, telling themselves, “I did well” and believing it can be extremely difficult.
And third, praise emphasizes her, while admiration emphasizes you and your perception. What’s good about this? Shy people don’t like it when they are, figuratively speaking, spotlighted. By shifting the focus, you allow the partner to enjoy your admiration in comfortable “darkness,” from which she will emerge when she wants to.
Ignore failures
This is worth mentioning separately as a continuation of the previous point. If the girl is struggling with something (taking a long time to finish, shy about undressing completely — it doesn’t matter), and she truly matters to you, under no circumstances point out this focus. There is no stronger anti-aphrodisiac than the feeling that “there’s something wrong with you” — I’m sure you’ve encountered this at some point, if not in sex, then in something else.
Believe me, she already knows that she can’t finish quickly. There can be a multitude of reasons for this (just like in any other situation), and you’ll create another one if you spotlight the already mentioned spotlight.
Tired of doing something (like cunnilingus, for example)? Just say that you need a break, and engage in something else. Caress her with your hand, kiss her, or just lie together and chat.
If she doesn’t want to undress completely — light candles, tell her she will look stunning in stockings and lingerie. Have sex with her dressed, after all. There’s a certain charm in hastily unbuttoned and half-removed clothing.
With this approach, you will tune yourself to a positive mood and relieve the girl of pressure.
★ Bonus ★ How to help a guy to loosen up
Men can also be shy and inhibited, and much more often than you think. Sorry if I broke someone's stereotype.
They may be afraid to open up, to trust, may feel shy about their appearance (less often), their desires (more often). Their emotions, finally. Especially if these are “unmasculine” emotions (that is, anything but anger).
The techniques described above are to some extent applicable to men, especially the last two points. Admiration and patience open people up, showing that they are wanted, accepted. That they are safe. That they will not be rejected.
I think we all lack this.
