When American pop culture filled Russian screens — from movies in the spirit of "Basic Instinct" to clips glorifying sweaty butts — we believed that America was a realm of permissiveness. But today, the sexual behavior of educated youth in the USA is the least like the orgies of rappers and jokes from "American Pie".
There are dozens of articles about how unrealistic the world of "Sex and the City" is. And still, for many fans, the series remains the bible of American relationship culture. But today, relying on the wisdom of Carrie Bradshaw and her friends is not just useless — it's rather harmful.
It's not just that you can't collect a collection of "blanks" from the fees for newspaper columns, and the living conditions in Manhattan are far from spacious, clean, and modern apartments where the heroines have sex with muscular (and almost always white) men. And it's not even that real New Yorkers are often physically exhausted by surviving in an expensive and unfriendly city: they have no strength left for dates and choosing a partner or a long-term relationship with meetings more often than once a week.
The main thing is that the series, which claimed to be the trumpet of feminism in the face of four women who built careers before families, today looks chauvinistic and outdated. This was demonstrated by the recent meme #wokecharlotte: its creators put comments in the mouth of prim Charlotte York that a feminist from 2018 would have responded to jokes like "Bisexuality is a stop on the way to Gaytown".
Moreover, over the last 15 years, Americans have learned what the heroines of the series struggle for weeks to say to their partners, that they don't like oral sex or their dates with other women. They have learned to talk.
Before Sex
Imagine, today you had a date. Most likely, at least the second one and certainly successful. Your companion offers to drive you home. In response, you suggest going in for tea. Half an hour later, you lie on the bed, and here events take an unexpected turn. You are looked into the eyes and asked in a calm, everyday tone: “Do you want to make out?” This was an indecent proposal, and if you really want to have sex, then you need to respond with a clear “I do” to this disconcerting question for a Russian person — otherwise, the other will have to get dressed and leave quickly. After all, he is not your rapist.
A prerequisite for sex-positive behavior, that is, relating to sex as a healthy and non-shameful pleasure in its most diverse forms, is that contacts must be safe and based on sexual consent.
Everything needs to be agreed upon: from the first kiss to any experiments that could potentially cause discomfort to the partner(s).
People talk a lot before, during, and after sex, and there is no place for flirting in the style of “‘no’ means ‘yes’” in these conversations.
Dating life is just as much a part of a young American's life as studying, working, or playing football on Tuesdays. If a person has not yet found or is not actively looking for a single long-term partner, they are on Tinder and its analogs or — less often — looking for dating candidates among their surroundings.
In dating apps, Americans most often clearly state their intentions. For example, if it's purely a one-night relationship, they'll write: “Just looking for hookups,” if a person is in the mood for casual sex without commitments, then: “Not currently seeking anything serious,” and if they are genuinely interested in a relationship, they may express themselves more elaborately, for example: “I want someone to inspire me.”
It is also customary to immediately communicate sexual preferences.
The general term kink refers to any "non-vanilla" behavior, whether it’s role-playing or a desire to spank a partner. Of course, a person can specify their "very specific" tastes: for instance, they might mention that they are cuckold (they take pleasure in their partner's infidelities) or furry (dressing in an animal costume, not least in a sexual context). Any peculiarity of sexual behavior is considered normal as long as it does not threaten the well-being of others, so it is not customary to gawk in response to such confessions.
Sexual orientation in America (and throughout the Western world) is seen as a spectrum, where apart from openly heterosexual (straight) individuals, there exists a wide field of those who can be called queer. This term is used for self-identification by anyone who does not like the usual labels like gay, lesbian, or bisexual — the nuances of sexual behavior are much more diverse than the idea that there are only men with penises, women with vaginas, and not overly diverse options for interaction between them.
The concept of genderqueer includes anyone whose gender identity differs from cisgender male/female, who define themselves according to their biological sex. For example, the self-perception of a gender fluid person changes over time, while an agender person does not want to relate to any gender at all.
There are many ways for interaction between people with different self-identifications: it is not unusual for a cisgender heterosexual man to seek a relationship with a queer girl. He simply prefers it that way.
In America, open relationships with one partner, including open marriage, and polyamory — relationships with multiple partners — are becoming a social norm. On Tinder, people directly describe themselves as open or poly (a good example of the American penchant for abbreviations). Sometimes in such a profile, you may find a story about the relationship a person is already in. Some write immediately for two, for example, in search of a unicorn — a bisexual girl interested in sex with heterosexual couples.
If you find yourself on a date with a polyamorist, a complex hierarchy of their romantic life may unfold before you, but do not rush to laugh at constructions like “I’m not my girlfriend’s primary boyfriend, and I like it.” Yes, behind their backs, monogamous Americans love to jokingly tease polyamorists, saying that they have developed an elaborate theory for what people have always done anyway, and simply fear close relationships. However, openly demonstrating to a person that you do not respect their sexual strategy is rude and outdated.
After Sex
Americans are individualists and care about their partner's comfort no more than their own. The fact that a date ended in sex does not mean that you are obligated to fall asleep in each other's arms. If events unfold on your territory, the partner will ask if they can stay. If you are at their place and you were not explicitly invited to stay overnight, you should clarify: “Is it okay with you if I stay?”
Of course, spending the night together is often seen as a sign of an emerging emotional connection. If a friend tells you that after yesterday’s date one of the two stayed over, you can congratulate them — they hope for the continuation of the relationship. But at the same time, if you liked the person and they decided to leave after sex or send you home — do not be upset. It's quite possible that they have to get up early and want to sleep alone in their own bed. Normal American pragmatism.
When your connection goes beyond a few dates and regular sex, and you have already heard the straightforward American confession “I really like you”/“I’m really into you,” a responsible moment arrives — the time to make a commitment.
The fact that you are dating does not officially restrict your partner and you from going on dates and having sex with other people until you have a conversation about being exclusive.
If after morning sex you are suddenly solemnly told “I don’t have other girlfriends/boyfriends,” the least appropriate response is to question with a long face whom you have “betrayed” before. This is a serious confession, so smile and prepare to enter into a real relationship. Now you will be tested for compatibility, as emotional affinity and good sex mean in America no less than the willingness to give joint children home education in the distant future and the ability to get along with the partner’s family when you go to them for Thanksgiving.
Be prepared to transition fairly quickly to the phase of making plans, as since you have been chosen out of many, it is worth your companion adjusting their plans for meetings with friends and family celebrations according to their new status. This does not necessarily mean that it’s heading toward engagement — just the same American pragmatism.
American relationships often end abruptly and not always gracefully. In their quest to figure themselves out, get back on their feet, and find the ideal partner, Americans sometimes simply do not find the emotional strength to explain themselves to their partner and quietly disappear from their life. Ghosting is a phenomenon that, in the internet age, thrives far beyond America, but in the States, it is widespread everywhere.
People have learned to talk easily and calmly about sex, but when it comes to explaining complex feelings, words are often hard to find, and they just stop answering calls and messages.
If the responsible breakup conversation does happen, the American equivalent of the Russian cliché "It's not you, it's me" is “I’m not emotionally available right now.” In reality, this often means that a person has lost interest in a particular partner, but it is customary to justify the breakup with a desire to improve one's psychological life. If your "emotionally unavailable" ex updates their Tinder profile a couple of days later — just smile and swipe left this time. The road will be traversed by the one who walks it.
