SexNovember 21, 2021

How to realize a sexual fantasy: 9 tips for the hesitant.

Psychotherapist and sexologist Vanessa Marin (Vanessa Marin) told about the main things that will help you fulfill your desires.

1. Don't rush

Motivators from the internet encourage less thinking, more doing, and generally getting out of the comfort zone. But you shouldn't fall for this when it comes to sexual fantasies. Give yourself time to think and decide how comfortable you feel, to tune into the right vibe.

This is especially necessary if your relationship with your partner has just started and trust between you is only beginning to develop.

2. Be open

Even if a fantasy has not left you for many years, just talking about it can be difficult. The most innocent desires can sometimes be embarrassing and put you in an awkward position, as just having them makes you vulnerable. A lot of questions arise: how will your partner react? What if they laugh? Will they think I’m a pervert? It’s especially difficult with fantasies you’re not sure about yourself.

It's important to remind yourself that your desires matter, and exploring them is one of the central aspects of understanding your own sexuality. Don't forget that you should also approach your partner's fantasies openly, trying to think them through.

To share sexual scenarios from your head takes courage. And the fact that they share this information with you speaks of trust.

3. Fantasize during masturbation

One of the simplest ways to check whether you personally like this fantasy is to enact it during masturbation. Find a suitable video or immediately engage your imagination. The moment of truth will come when you include yourself in the sexual scenario. It may turn out that while the fantasy looks attractive from the outside, there is no place for you in it.

If the scenario successfully passes the tests, you can start thinking about bringing it to life.

4. Start with dirty talk

Dirty talk is itself a good prelude that allows you to see how you feel about the next step. In hot correspondence or conversation, discuss your actions as if you have already started to implement the sexual scenario. Describe how you are dressed, where you are, and what you are doing.

A risqué conversation will either make you want more or make it clear that the idea only looks attractive in your head.

It may also be that you stop at dirty talk, satisfying yourself with this way of heating up your sex life. For example, monogamous couples can talk about sex with a third party as a prelude, maintaining physical fidelity to each other.

5. Take small steps

If the fantasy has passed the test of masturbation and dirty talk, it’s time to bring it to reality. But don't rush and try to carry out the entire operation at once. Instead of jumping into a deep well, go down it step by step.

Try to determine what you and your partner like in the fantasy. Play with the central element without realizing the entire scenario.

6. Identify your fears

If you feel nervous at the thought of realizing your fantasy, think about what exactly is causing the anxiety, at what stage something might go wrong. Once you identify the problem, consider how to transform the scenario to avoid encountering it.

For example, the thought of sex in a place where you could be caught excites you. But you are really worried that a stranger might see you naked. In this case, you can start with a locked room in a crowded place.

7. Put safety first

Safety and care for your partner are important factors in traditional sex, but in the realization of fantasies, their importance doubles. All participants should have the ability to clearly communicate any physical and psychological discomfort and immediately exit the process.

Pay special attention to fantasies involving dominance and submission, where the discomfort of one party is part of the game.

Thus, the fantasy of rape has very little in common with actual rape, because in their head the "victim" tightly controls the "aggressor," forcing them to act in their interest. Therefore, in such games, there should be stop words that require an immediate response.

And, of course, disinfect all toys and equipment and read their instructions.

8. Think through the worst-case scenario

Imagine in advance how an unsuccessful realization of a sexual fantasy could end for your relationship. In some cases, you will realize that it does not threaten anything serious: you simply try something that you won't like. For example, after two spankings with a belt, your partner might say: "Hey, this is not exciting at all!"—and you will just forget about this episode.

In other cases, the stakes may be higher. There is a special risk involved in games that include third parties. One partner may cool down simply by seeing their half's enthusiasm directed towards someone else. Moreover, they may cool down not only to the realization of the fantasy but also to their beloved. For this case, you can plan a visit to a psychologist who specializes in such issues, who can help determine potential reactions before it’s too late.

9. Don’t push

Realizing a sexual scenario can either be enjoyable or not. And that’s okay. Therefore, it’s worth discussing with your partner in advance that either of you, even the initiator, has the right to stop the process if the fantasy turns into a pumpkin. And even if everything goes well, you are not obliged to introduce the new practice into your sex life on a permanent basis.

Don't forget that you both have the right to decline the realization of each other's fantasies.

Your partner should have the right to choose. Persuasion, manipulation, ultimatums, and direct pressure deprive them of that right and create violence in the relationship.

Preliminary agreements will help maintain trust and share sexual fantasies with each other in the future, even if something goes wrong with this specific one.