Sharing a secret fantasy can be difficult due to fear or shame. Four effective ways will help you express your desires in a way that avoids unnecessary awkwardness and achieves the desired result.
1. Speak directly
Playing a guessing game in bed usually ends in failure or disappointment. So it’s better to voice your preferences directly and without hesitation.
For example, start with what you like about your sex life, and then suggest a new idea to improve it.
Another option is to express your pleasure from your partner's correct actions right during sex. Positive reinforcement works without fail.
2. Take action
Actions are more vivid than words. So dare to demonstrate your desire to your partner.
The first way is to show how exactly you like it. Try kissing your partner the way you want, and then ask them to repeat it. Or take their hand and guide it in the right direction. Try to show approval or pleasure at that moment — this will affirm your partner's mindset that these actions should be included in your sexual repertoire.
The second way is to show your sexual fantasy, but do it not too seriously.
Generally, what you can laugh together about causes less embarrassment later.
Let’s say you want to try a role-playing game about rescue from a fire. Detailed explanations of how everything looks in your head will only increase the pressure on your partner. And they are unlikely to lead to the expected outcome.
As a playful alternative (a suggestion for women), wear sexy lingerie, a firefighter's helmet (a fire extinguisher works as an alternative too), play a video with a campfire, and shyly ask your partner, “Is there a fire here?”. It sounds silly, but this way you reduce the tension and share your fantasy without extra words.
3. Engage in sex education
The best way not only to tell your partner more about your desires but also to learn something new yourself is to study. A good shared practice in this case is reading books.
To start, you can choose reading that reflects your sexual interests so that your partner learns more about the subject, or find a universal guide that touches on various aspects of sex. Make it a habit to read a couple of chapters together before bed, and then discuss what you’ve read. This way, you not only diversify your intimate life, but also gain a new shared hobby.
You can find a suitable book on your own or start with one of these:
- “Yes! Secrets of Love for Two”, Mantak Chia, Rachel Abrams, Douglas Abrams.
- “The Sex Bible”, Paul Joanidis.
- “Enlightened Sex. Something Completely Different”, David Deida.
- “How to Be a Great Lover”, Lou Paget.
- “How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure”, Lou Paget.
4. Test a lighter version of your desire
If you are afraid that your fantasy may seem too extreme to your partner, try to gauge the situation first.
Dreaming of BDSM? There's no need to immediately put on a latex suit or grab a whip. Start with light spanking and gentle restraint (yes, a silk scarf, like in “Basic Instinct,” works great). Want to try tantric sex, but fear your partner will consider it mystical nonsense? Choose a simple breathing exercise from tantra and suggest doing it before foreplay.
Noticing that your partner enjoys the new experience, try to go further. In the end, it may turn out that you secretly dreamed of the same thing.
Don’t be ashamed of your desires. By bringing them to life, you make your shared sex life fuller and brighter and strengthen the intimacy in your couple. So, fewer secrets, more pleasure!
