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1. Oral Sex
We are used to not noticing pressure: neither atmospheric nor social. Romcoms show us how lovers passionately have sex on a piano and finish at the same time. Numerous glossy articles constantly make us doubt ourselves as lovers, literally shouting at us with headlines like “Are You Sure She Reached Orgasm?!”. And intrusive images from porn won’t let you have sex peacefully: “Why can’t I finish like she does?”, “Does everyone have such big members?”, “Should I moan like that?”.
These and about a million other questions constantly spin in our heads while watching porn. Sooner or later, you reproduce the observed behavior or start feeling complexed because you can’t reproduce it.
As we found out in our scientific (or not so scientific) inquiries, even at trendy Moscow sex training sessions, coaches often reproduce the model “sex equals manipulation”. By manipulation here can mean anything: from suppressing conflict within the couple to a flickering hope for reciprocal caresses.
We recalled several very common practices of sex that seem basic and not requiring additional remarks for some, while they become an unpleasant surprise or, worse, a compulsory “directive from above” for others.
Oral sex is simultaneously imposed on us by culture and is terribly stigmatized. Girls, if they want to appear liberated enough, must definitely learn deep throat techniques; otherwise, no man will stay around for long — that’s what glossy magazines tell us. At the same time, remember how trolled Eldzhey after his girlfriend Nastya Ivleeva talked in an interview about what he does to her cunnilingus. One could discuss for a long time how Russian prison culture has influenced the stigmatization of oral sex, but that’s a separate scientific topic.
From the study by the authors of the book “Sex: From Neurobiology of Libido to Virtual Porn” Daria Varlamova and Elena Foer, it becomes clear that men are much more often the receiving party in oral sex. What does this tell us? Firstly, many men don’t even think about their partner's pleasure (surprise!). Secondly, girls are afraid to raise their heads (literally) and assert their right to pleasure. Girls spend money on oral sex courses, buy lubricants, cry tears — all for the sake of their partner’s pleasure.
We’ll surprise you, but this is completely unnecessary. Of course, there are thousands and thousands of girls for whom oral sex brings pleasure, but it’s unlikely that anyone enjoys having their hair pulled while they choke on a penis.
In the opposite direction, it also works: men can just as easily refuse oral sex! Here, it’s undoubtedly important to discuss what, how, and why will work in the pair. But the main thing is not to feel obligated to provide your body as a masturbator for another person. Sex is fun and cool, not an obligation.
2. Anal Sex
Is it worth mentioning that anal sex is arguably a bigger lever of manipulation from both sides than oral sex? However, no type of sex will fix your relationship, improve communication, or make your partner “get attached” to you. Therefore, please, do not engage in anal sex (whether as the receiving or the giving party) if you don’t like it, or if you’re trying to solve problems in your partnership.
And we hope that in 2019 no one needs to explain that anal sex (like any other, by the way) cannot happen without consent and a thorough conversation?
3. Moans
Some can be very loud in bed, while others may not make a sound. But you shouldn’t shame anyone for their decibel level!
Where did we even get the idea that one must moan in bed? Mostly from movies and porn, of course.
We all grew up in a porn culture, so we think that during sex, a girl should writhe, scream, and behave as if possessed by a demon. A “real” man, on the other hand, should breathe heavily and maintain maximum silence.
All these and other strange demands of ourselves can be forgotten: scream, moan, be silent, sing the Marseillaise. If you and your lover are comfortable, then it’s all good.
A life hack for the quiet ones and their partners: if one of the couple is uncomfortable having sex in silence, try turning on some nice music or porn. For special occasions, we highly recommend “An Evening with Vladimir Solovyov” (just joking).
4. Orgasm
“What, you didn’t finish?” — we have a very orgasm-centric sex culture. But surprise, surprise: if you’re not trying to conceive (that is, you don’t have the goal of getting sperm into the vagina for the spermatozoon to fertilize the egg), then orgasm is, in general, not really necessary for you. Undoubtedly, it’s a very pleasant addition, but try to indulge more in the process, and maybe even slightly postpone orgasm for the sake of your own and your partner’s enjoyment. After all, sex is not a race, but a pleasant trip to the neighboring city.
Orgasm, although not mandatory, is a pleasant part of sex. Nevertheless, the statistics on female orgasm is quite sad: at least 54% of girls fake orgasm during sex. Moreover, according to the author of the book “The Pleasure Point: The Path to Female Orgasm” Lori Mintz, less than a third of women can reach orgasm just from penis-vaginal contact. Surprisingly, but true: a woman is not required to orgasm from a penis! Try to involve toys or hands (your partner's or your own) in stimulating the clitoris during sex — show your partner what touches you like, guide him/her. Don’t be shy, believe me, he/she wants you to enjoy too!
5. Slaps, hits, and so on
Guys, again, having watched porn, often like to slap their partner on the butt. And there seems to be nothing wrong with that, but if you don’t like it (at all or right now), don’t be afraid to say so. The same goes for any hits, spit, and so on. No one has ever died from asking for permission for something like that — that’s a fact!
6. Cumshots
Be sensitive: calmly, without pressure, ask your partner if you can finish on a certain body part. He/she has the right to refuse, but it doesn’t hurt to ask! In turn, the receiving party shouldn’t be afraid to voice their opposition: it’s nothing unusual if you don’t want to wash cold sticky sperm off yourself. Moreover, porn culture has instilled in us that a cumshot is some kind of humiliation ritual. If you enjoy feeling your partner’s sperm on you — that’s great, but make sure you’re not just trying to please him/her.
7. Sex Without a Condom
All excuses about “I can’t feel anything in a condom” can go where the sun don’t shine, seriously. And you especially shouldn’t have unprotected sex during a one-night stand or in an open relationship.
There are a million different types of condoms on the market, including super-thin and latex-free ones, you just need to find the right ones! Suggest to your partner to take a walk together to the sex shop and choose something you both like.
8. And overall sex!
Yes, the hosts of the sex podcast urge to reconsider and not engage in sex. If you’re feeling unwell, tired, or just not in the mood, don’t agree to have sex just because “it’s been a while”, “well, I’m already hard” and so on. Let’s repeat: sex is fun and pleasure, not coercion.
Behave naturally, don’t think about how you look from the outside, or about whether the ceiling needs to be whitewashed (for that, you can train mindfulness and presence skills in the moment through meditation, for example). In general, enjoy. Don’t be afraid of your desires and don’t forget about contraception.
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