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If a woman fakes an orgasm, it means she loves you. Or she is afraid to upset you. Or she feels uncomfortable being rude. Perhaps she just cannot reach orgasm and feels awkward admitting it. There are many possibilities. But if you are an active and mature person, you surely want sex to bring joy not only to you but also to your partner. Here’s what you need to know to achieve that.
How many women fake orgasms
A lot. Several studies conducted from 1986 to 2010 showed The Faking Orgasm Scale for Women: Psychometric Properties that 50 to 67% of women fake orgasms.
According to I’ll Have What She’s Having Doctor of Psychology Erin Cooper, an important role here is played by the widespread societal idea that the visibility of female orgasm increases the pleasure of the man.
It’s not surprising that women may feel the need to “act” during sex and demonstratively reach orgasm.
Despite the fact that many have encountered the faking of orgasm in one form or another, the topic is poorly studied. Therefore, Cooper focused on the reasons for simulation.
Why do women fake orgasms
There are usually four main reasons:
- To protect the partner's feelings.
- To end sex.
- To avoid negative feelings about their own sexuality.
- To increase their own arousal.
Cooper notes that these factors can be divided into two groups: those that help avoid certain aspects of sex (2, 3) and those intended to make sex brighter, to encourage oneself or the partner (1, 4).
By the way, for these reasons, not only women fake orgasms. About a quarter of men, according to a study Not all fakes are created equal: examining the relationships between men’s motives for pretending orgasm and levels of sexual desire, and relationship and sexual satisfaction by Canadian scientists, also sometimes pretend. Hiding the absence of ejaculation is helped by a condom.
What to do if doubts arise
Don’t pressure or make claims
Strictly questioning whether your partner is faking is pointless. You will never know for sure, and you need to accept that. A reliable answer can only be obtained if sex is observed in laboratory conditions — then it will show in the cardiogram (and yes, such studies Mary Roach. “Sex for Science. Science for Sex” have been done). It is in your power only to create an atmosphere of trust, in which the partner will not be afraid to tell you the truth or ask for something.
Don’t waste time on conspiracy theories, just talk.
Communicate and discuss the details
Ask what your partner likes most about your practices. If this is difficult and uncomfortable, then the idea that you really care about your partner's pleasure will need to be cultivated within yourself. Yes, this will take time, but there is no other way.
If your partner is already forced to pretend, it means she is facing some problem. It is natural to care for her and support her. Indicate that her pleasure is important to you. And that if she doesn’t like something, feels uncomfortable, or is missing something, she can freely say so. Learn about your partner's feelings: what turns her on especially and what else you can do. This will not only lift her mood, but also improve your skills as a lover.
How to help a woman experience genuine pleasure
Find the clitoris
The forgotten clitoris is the reason for most unachieved orgasms. It has happened that many have only a basic idea of the kind of sex that should bring pleasure to the couple — vaginal (penetrative). This is when partners reach pleasure through the friction of the penis against the inner walls of the vagina.
But if for men such sex almost always ends with an orgasm, as the most sensitive part of their genitals is the glans, for women, the situation is the opposite. No more than 20% of them can Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94n achieve orgasm this way.
The answer is simple: the main center of sexual pleasure for them is the clitoris. And it is virtually not engaged in penetrative sex (in missionary position, for example).
The ability to achieve orgasm for those who did fall into that 20% of women who can experience pleasure only from penetration is due to anatomical features. Their clitoris is located closer to the entrance of the vagina and is stimulated indirectly. To understand how statistically significant the clitoris is in female orgasm, note that 80-90% Characteristics of vibrator use among women of women, using a vibrator, usually masturbate without any vaginal penetration at all.
Additional clitoral stimulation can solve indeed many questions. It’s easy to do: before or during sex, using your own hands or a vibrator. It is important to note that sensitivity of the clitoris varies among women. For some, light touches can bring ecstatic pleasure, while others may need vigorous friction. Listen to your partner's reactions and openly ask for hints.
Give compliments. Lots of compliments
Psychological factors are closely related to faking orgasm. Women who cannot reach pleasure from vaginal penetration alone often feel anxious about their own sexuality. Additionally, most people remain trapped in the notions of “normal” and “correct” orgasms.
Educate yourself and dispel her fears. Compliments will help your partner accept her body and feel her unique sexuality.
Compliments can also help with another phenomenon on the path to a real orgasm. Researchers call it spectatoring — the anxiety about how we look during sex. Worries like “am I looking foolish?”, “is my breast bouncing too strangely?”, “am I making terrible sounds?”. It’s natural to wonder about these things, but they can often completely drown out pleasure. Your pleasant comments and exclamations will eliminate the impact of spectatoring and help your partner climax powerfully.
Learn how a woman becomes aroused
The main enemies of female orgasm are psychological tension and expectation. Now that you understand this principle, it will be much easier for you to reach orgasm as a couple.
Doctor of Psychology and author of the book “How a Woman Wants” Emily Nagoski says that if one cannot achieve orgasm, one should simply let go of the situation and stop expecting it. For that, it is essential to accept one important thought: sex should always be pleasurable, but it doesn’t necessarily have to end with an orgasm. Share this with your partner. The very liberation from expectations can play a significant role for her in experiencing intense sexual pleasure. Learning to experience it sometimes needs to be developed: listen to your feelings and give yourself the freedom to explore them.
There is not only a right way to have sex, but also a right orgasm. They are all different and unique every time.
Classifying orgasms as vaginal and clitoral, strong and weak, spontaneous or forced is incorrect. First of all, it fosters a light hysteria around the topic, leading us to think of sexual pleasure as correct or incorrect, preferable or marginal. The only thing that truly unites all orgasms is the sudden release of sexual tension. That’s all.
The main way to deal with orgasm difficulties is to make pleasure your goal, not orgasm.
What’s the conclusion
If a woman fakes an orgasm, it can mean anything. There’s no point in guessing and searching for flaws within yourself, but developing skills to be a more caring and sensual lover is definitely worth it. Both will benefit from this. Explore the female body, find out what kinds of touches bring the most intense pleasure. And definitely talk to your partner, ask for hints, and share your impressions. All the tools are in your hands:
- Communicate to indicate that a woman’s pleasure is your priority.
- Give compliments to help your partner relax.
- Try new things and ask your partner’s opinion. This will help find the most effective and pleasant touches.
