What is wrong with women's sexual desire? Women sometimes have headaches, sometimes the dishes are not washed. Men are offended with women: “You always don’t feel like having sex.” Women feel guilty, get angry at themselves and then at their men. That's how it is with women's desire. Except that it is… female.
It occurs much less frequently than men's, spontaneously
What is your model of sexuality, what is your idea of how this happens? Let me guess. You suddenly feel a surge of passion. You want sex. You approach your partner, and he - under lucky circumstances - wants you too. You caress each other. You get aroused. You get even more aroused. Orgasm!
This is exactly the model described by Helen Singer Kaplan in 1979. It consists of three phases: desire, arousal, and orgasm. It is usually true for men and sometimes for women: at the beginning of relationships, after a separation, or after a long pause in intimate life.
But!
At the turn of the century, scientists found out that in long-term relationships, a woman rarely experiences sudden desire.
If you are a woman, you probably sighed with relief at this point. If you are a man, I hope you also sighed with relief and will no longer be offended at your girlfriend for her coldness.
In the cycle of female sexual response according to Rosemary Basson, it all starts with reasons for initiating sex and the willingness to be responsive. Not with hot desire out of nowhere. The willingness to be responsive, then sexual stimulation, and only then responsive desire, desire in response to actions, yours and your partner's. And then — emotional and physical satisfaction.
There can be many reasons for sex, besides spontaneous desire:
- knows from experience that pleasure awaits her and soon she will be glad of this decision;
- the children have finally fallen asleep, but both she and her husband are still not;
- wants to feel an emotional connection with her man, to feel desired;
- knows that her husband wants it, and wants to please him.
If you are a woman, don't wait for a surge of passion in the middle of the day. Respond to the man's initiative or show your own, and desire will arise in the process.
If you are a man, show this article to your partner. :) And remember that if your woman is not jumping on you right at the stove where the borscht is boiling, it does not mean at all that she is frigid and you are unwanted.
It is difficult for a woman to “let go of her head” and relax
It's amazing how much scientists have discovered about us by scanning our brains.
When a man's brain is at rest, 70% of its structures are turned off. On the other hand, when a woman is resting, 90% of her brain is active. This confirms that a woman is constantly thinking, thinking, thinking.
Dr. Daniel J. Amen, “The Brain and Love”
Men, look at your girlfriends with sympathy! Imagine how hard it is for us. And we are not to blame. This is a feature of the female brain. Help us tune in and relax. Give us time.
Women, train your ability to let go of thoughts and relax. It's great to start with 2-minute meditations: just follow your breathing and let go of incoming thoughts. Relaxation techniques are also good, where you sequentially relax your whole body, starting from the tips of your toes.
Female desire is less stable than male desire
We have a system of sexual arousal and a system of sexual inhibition. Together they control our sexual response. The first constantly watches for what might arouse it. The second, on the contrary, checks internal and external circumstances: is there anything to inhibit.
Each of us has our own set: strong, moderate, or weak arousal system and strong, moderate, or weak inhibition system. Both women and men have them.
But there is a difference: overall, men have a stronger arousal system than women. And women's inhibition system is, as one might easily guess, generally stronger.
Women often complain that at the most inconvenient moment, extraneous thoughts invade their minds and throw them off their mood. If the house is messy, all mood disappears. When a child or parents are sleeping anxiously outside the door, that also distracts and makes it difficult to achieve the desired condition.
This is all the inhibition system. It is the strong inhibition system that is responsible for difficulties with arousal and orgasm, not the weak arousal system, as one might assume. What to do with it?
Turn on all the switches, turn off all the switches.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, “How a Woman Wants”
Analyze what your arousal system and inhibition system respond to. Recall some particularly good sex. What made it so wonderful? What “turned you on”? Recall some particularly bad sex. What distracted and threw you off? Make a list of your personal exciters and inhibitors. Surround yourself with what excites you. Remove what inhibits you as much as possible.
If you are a man, ask your woman what throws her off her erotic mood. And what, on the contrary, excites.
Some of my female clients have said that they are “turned off” by caresses of the ear with the tongue. But their men don't know about it. And women feel awkward admitting it.
Be prepared to learn something unexpected.
If very briefly, then yes, women want sex. In their own way. In a feminine way.
