What is a stop word
A stop word is used when one of the partners wants to pause the process for some reason. Maybe the movements have become too intense, the person is physically uncomfortable or in pain, the partner has crossed a boundary in a role play, or some area is receiving too much stimulation. In any of these cases, you can say the stop word — the partner will immediately stop.
Stop words came from BDSM culture and are often associated with unusual types of sex. But the ability to quickly signal discomfort will always be useful. It doesn’t matter what went wrong: bondage or missionary position. No matter who your partner is, how long you have been together, or what kind of sex you are having — you have the right to ask for a timeout at any moment.
How to choose a stop word
You can choose a universally understood option with traffic light colors. In a fit of passion, it will be easier to remember something familiar, and the difference between red and yellow is clear to everyone. For example, say "red" when you want to stop the current action, and "stop red" when you need to stop everything completely.
If you wish to come up with something else, consider a few important points. First, the word should be memorable and easy to pronounce. Second, it should be something that you are unlikely to say during sex. You can take the name of a food product or an object that does not associate with intimacy for you. For example, Reddit users suggest options like "mayonnaise," "spaghetti," "Armageddon," and "Tinky Winky." Or use an inside joke just for the two of you to lighten the mood.
If you are not a fan of talking during sex or feel uncomfortable saying such a word out loud, come up with some gesture or other physical signal. For example, a pat on the shoulder, a wink, a snap of the fingers, or even humming a simple melody. Choose something simple and clear so your partner can easily notice your signal. Like the word, it should be something you normally don’t do during sex.
How to use a stop word
Don't say it for trivial reasons. "The stop word has a certain weight," says sex educator and dominatrix Lola Jean. "If you say it, it means the matter is serious. It means 'Hey, slow down and make sure I’m okay!'"
After you choose a stop word, don’t forget to discuss how exactly it will be applied in your couple. Usually, it’s a signal meaning "Stop right now." But you can agree that under such circumstances, the partner needs to step back from you or, on the contrary, hug and reassure you. By using the stop word, you are temporarily withdrawing your consent to sex. However, the partner should not be offended or upset. You are not permanently denying them intimacy, just taking a timeout.
If the need to use the agreed signal arises because the partner has crossed your personal boundaries, make sure to discuss with them what exactly you are feeling and what you need for sex to feel comfortable and safe again. Remember that boundaries exist for a reason, and saying the stop word does not make you weak.
