This article is part of the project “One on One”. In it, we talk about relationships with oneself and with others. If this topic resonates with you — share your story or opinion in the comments. We will be waiting!
What people criticize themselves for
If you are prone to constantly evaluate yourself, looking for shortcomings, and mistakes in behavior, then the intimate sphere is certainly no exception. Sex implies a high degree of openness in front of another person — at least physical nakedness. Therefore, both men and women find things to criticize themselves about.
Men worry about the strength and speed of their erection, the duration of sexual intercourse, the woman's lack of orgasm, that something went wrong, and the “normalcy” of their desires and fantasies.
Women, due to the patriarchal nature of society, as well as more complex physiology and psychology of orgasm, have even more reasons for torment. For example, they are more likely to criticize themselves for their appearance and how their figure looks in different sexual positions. They worry about their grooming, about low sexual desire, about stiffness in bed, and the inability to communicate their desires to their partner, about not having an orgasm and the fear that their partner did not enjoy themselves.
But the more people are busy with self-criticism, the less they focus on sex. And this indeed affects its quality, and not in a positive way.
Where self-criticism in sex comes from
Upbringing
The very habit of self-criticism is formed in childhood. If a child constantly faces remarks and complaints, they get used to them and start to relate to themselves in the same way. Including in sex when they grow up.
Upbringing is often associated with various attitudes that hinder relaxation. For example, the parents of a teenager were afraid that he would contract a sexually transmitted infection. To postpone his sexual debut, they depicted the process as something dirty and sinful. A person grows up with this belief and does not receive full pleasure because they criticize themselves for their weakness.
Society also contributes. For example, it may condemn certain sexual practices. A person raised in such an environment with corresponding preferences risks encountering complexes.
Mass culture
The perception of sex is influenced by books, movies, and of course, pornography, which has become widely accessible thanks to the internet. Usually, most complaints are directed towards the latter.
What happens in adult films has little relation to real sex, starting from the appearance of the participants and ending with the process itself.
Porn actors remove hair from their entire body, whiten their labia, scrotums, and anuses, and put on makeup before shooting from head to toe. Their main goal is to make sex spectacular.
For ordinary viewers, attempts to recreate poses will at best end with a lack of pleasure and at worst with injuries. Finally, such prolonged erections are ensured for most porn actors by special medications.
However, romantic movies and books, where sex is only implied, add fuel to the fire of complexes. For example, the first sex between lovers is usually full of passion and devoid of awkwardness. Reflections of flames or drops of water highlight the beauty of bodies. The participants, of course, will both experience orgasm — preferably simultaneously. And no funny squelching, cramping legs, or other realities.
All of this leads to comparisons of oneself with the characters — more often to one’s detriment.
Low level of sexual education
It would seem that sex is an intuitively understandable activity — what could be complicated? But for complete and mutual pleasure, intuition is not enough.
Most men and women in Russia do not know their own physiology and the physiology of their partner, do not understand the influence of psychology on sex, on receiving pleasure and orgasm. All of this makes people act "with blindfolds" and at random.
Such a strategy yields not very noticeable results. For example, the survival of the myth that a man is always ready for sex and can reach a state of combat readiness in just a few seconds. Or that women enjoy very long penetration, even though only about 20% of them are able to experience orgasm from this type of stimulation .
What is dangerous about self-criticism in sex
In bed, there is no place for self-criticism: it does not bring you closer to the ideal, but only distances you from pleasure and orgasm, from enjoying yourself and your partner.
By criticizing ourselves during sex, we inevitably shift our attention, emotionally fall out of the process. As a result, we are no longer in contact with our partner and sensations, but focused on thoughts that do not help us.
Self-criticism prevents you from enjoying sex both now and in the future. For example, if a man fears losing his erection, it can indeed weaken it. Subsequently, he will start to worry even more, as now he has every reason to do so. Along with this, the risk of losing an erection will also increase. It turns into a vicious circle.
Therefore, for good sex, it is important to learn to manage your attention and perception, including to get rid of self-criticism.
How to stop criticizing yourself
Be honest with yourself
Often, attitudes and doubts prevent you from understanding your true desires. For example, you avoid positions that you like because you worry about your appearance. Or you do not suggest to your partner to try something new because you fear a negative reaction. One of the common reasons for criticism among men is the fear of their own fantasies, especially those associated with expressions of aggression. However, there is not always a reason to fear here.
It is important to understand that aggression does not equal violence. Wanting to dominate and showing aggression at certain moments is a normal variant. The main thing is how you implement this desire. If you share it with your partner, ask them for their opinion on it, then everything is fine.
In general, it would be good to shake off the husk of other people's expectations, stereotypes, and attitudes from your preferences. Otherwise, you will continue to do what you do not like and criticize yourself for your own desires and for not conforming to fabricated standards.
Find the reasons for criticism
Self-flagellation does not help solve the problem at all. From the position of an enemy towards yourself, one cannot achieve the desired changes.
Without a complete understanding of oneself, it is impossible to enjoy life and sex in particular. Therefore, it is important to realize what exactly you criticize yourself for. Write down all the points and try to see your fear behind each of them — what are you afraid of? Start to work on it specifically, exploring its root cause and disproving it.
It is important to see on what scale you evaluate your sex, with what norms you compare it and how much they correspond to the truth. What expectations do you have from sex, from yourself and your partner? How painfully or calmly can you perceive failures? Finally, what will happen if your fears come true and what fears are hidden behind this?
For example, a man worries about the size of his penis: he seems to be too small. If you dig a little deeper, it turns out that this dissatisfaction has several reasons. Firstly, the impressive dimensions of porn actors and one’s own incongruence with the "ideal". Secondly, the stereotypes that the size of the genital organ affects the quality of sex. And as a consequence, the fear of not satisfying the partner.
But if you start to explore this, you will find out that the average size of a penis is 13.13 centimeters — And most of the nerve endings in a woman's vagina are located 1–3 centimeters from the entrance, so it is not necessary to have a gigantic penis to provide pleasure. So the worries have no real basis.
Let’s imagine that the fear was realized and the partner expressed dissatisfaction with the size of the penis. So what? This says more about the incompatibility of people. A man cannot change his penis, but he can certainly find a new partner. Moreover, according to research Women’s Preferences for Penis Size: A New Research Method Using Selection among 3D Models , in long-term relationships, size does not matter, so a man's chances of finding love are still high.
Talk to your partner
Many problems arise from not being able to talk to each other. For example, you worry that your partner is not satisfied with you, so you try to bring something new, or on the contrary, you withdraw into yourself. But it is quite possible that the other party is completely satisfied. And even if they are not, who better than a partner can explain what exactly they want. Conversations can help improve your sex life, so some reasons for self-criticism may just disappear by themselves.
